GAME REVIEWS

Sunday, July 5, 2009

TaleSpin

Radiance - 1991 - U.S.A.
HuCard

Oh man, this game is fucking awful. It's horrid. Heinous. My good brother IvaNEC is probably a little more diplomatic in his assessment of the situation, so I'll defer to his synopsis on this one. It's safe to say I never want to have to touch this game again with a ten foot pole, so I'm going to forgo the obligatory screenshot session and leave you instead with some advice: do not ever buy this game, do not accept this game if someone offers to give it to you as a gift, and upon unwanted receipt of this game, dispose of it promptly.

The first time I powered up TaleSpin on my Duo, a black hole materialized in my game room with the apparent mission of ridding the universe of fun and good times. I tried to turn my Duo off as quickly as possible, but the damage was done. I immediately caught myself about to leap out my third story window to a splattery concrete end, and instead drove myself to the ER. They said my brain had been completely depleted of serotonin and dopamine, the neurotransmitters fused. They had never seen anything like it. A steady year-long diet of Xanax, Valium and Prozac was my only recourse and to this day I still have flashbacks, a side effect of the post-traumatic stress disorder I've since been diagnosed with.

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