GAME REVIEWS

Sunday, August 30, 2009

KLAX

~ KLAX ~
Tengen
HuCard
1990

My logical brother Alexei tried to reason with me, but I would have none of it: I was going to play KLAX even though I knew it would be a waste of time and a thoroughly dopey thing to do. I wasn't "giving it a fair chance" or anything, as I had complete faith in Alexei's reports of its through-and-through shittiness; but I play everything Turbo. Everything. And I can't receive word of a massive disaster without subsequently rushing out to view the wreckage firsthand.

Well, I went and I saw. And I'm here to tell you that even if you know full well that KLAX is an outright stinker heading in, there's an extremely good chance that it will still find a way to make you despise it to an unanticipated degree. It's a disgustingly awful puzzler that, laughably enough, is considered a "classic" in some circles.


Well, there's your mission. Get to it. KLAX doesn't exactly match Tetris in cleverness of concept.


It has no personality and is every bit as boring as it looks. With annoying cheers and screams in lieu of actual music, the game quickly transitions from dull to irritating.


Wait, did I say it has no personality? My mistake. The background "scenery" does change every few levels. Here we have an exquisite parking lot...


...and here's a forest. Play well and keep advancing and you'll get to see... palette-swapped versions of the early backdrops...


...which isn't much incentive for taking on the game's silly challenges.


But whatever. I honed my "BIG X"-making skills until I earned the right to "warp." I was whisked away to the later levels...


...which provided no relief from the monotony.


Ah, to be back in the days of useless pre-stage "hints." Kinda reminds me of Gauntlet. Speaking of which, Tengen should've granted the Turbo a rendition of Gauntlet. My treasure-hunting cousin Zigfriedelnov and I used to spend hours looking around for the stupid "clues" in the NES version.


Um.

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