Friday, November 20, 2009

Kaze Kiri

Kaze Kiri
Naxat Soft - 1994 - Japan
Super CD-ROM

This game basically sums up everything I hate about people who collect video games. If you look around you'll find endless hype and ebay auctions ending at ludicrous prices, all because long ago some fucktard who could barely speak English posted a glowing review of this Kung-Fu remake on his website (a laughable collection of "reviews" where a game had to be a blank CDR to score less than a 80%). At the time there wasn't much for PC Engine info out there so all the other fucktards took it as gospel and immediately rushed to ebay to buy the game. To their dismay they found that it was slightly uncommon (when compared to say, Keith Courage), so the price immediately skyrocketed and a legend was born.

Unfortunately the legend is complete dog shit. This is easily one of the most boring, repetitive games I have ever played. I wasn't joking when I said it was a graphical remake of Kung-Fu-- Kaze Kiri is a carbon copy of Kung-Fu with really nice graphics and a few (and I mean literally "a few") new moves. It plays exactly the fucking same as a shit, boring game made in 1985. You've probably read some dufus reviewers talk about the "depth" of combat. This is totally made-up bullshit. Here's how every battle goes down-- you attack, the enemy blocks... and blocks... and blocks... then you get lucky and get a strike in, then you do it again until either yours or his life meter is empty. Repeat for every fight in the entire game. That's it, there's no reversals or parrying, the "depth" comes from a block button which only serves to make the experience like stripping all but 4 moves from Street Fighter II and then playing 100 matches in a row with someone who just stands in the corner and blocks the entire time.

Which brings me to the next problem-- you do all this without once ever seeing even the tiniest of bumps on the floor. Every part of this game is flat as fuck-- there isn't a single environmental obstacle in the entire game. Despite what the screen shots tell you, the reality is that everything which looks like interesting parts of the environment is purely background art. And there are 19 levels of this boring crap. 19 levels and not a single fucking platform or pit to break up the monotony-- for fuck's sake, even Kung-Fu at least had a staircase you could climb.

The graphics are definitely really, really nice, though. And hell, if walking left to right over a perfectly flat floor and engaging in protracted turtle-fights with the same 10 enemies for a couple hours is your idea of fun, then you'll have a blast with Kaze Kiri in between adult diaper changes and trying to forge a third digit on your IQ test results.

1 comment :

Anonymous said...

where are the pics?

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