Download

NEC Avenue - 1990 - Japan

HuCard

Download is about as good as it gets for a cartridge-based horizontal shooter on the Turbo. It's up there with the likes of R-Type, Air Zonk, etc. Rockin' chip tunes as you blast your way through a futuristic city being overtaken by a cybernetic brain. I couldn't put it down 'til I conquered it. One of my personal favorites, and I'm a tough room when it comes to shooters. Download is the epitome of a perfect balance of fun and difficulty.

Features a unique powerup and life system you won't find in any other shooter.

Great graphics with lots of parallax are just icing on the cake. Download features some pretty bad-ass cinematic cutscenes, which is a rare thing for a non-CD game. As a matter of fact, Download's cutscenes are actually better than a good number of CD games.

Possibly more famous than the game itself however are the hilarious GAME OVER blurbs. Just when you thought it was, this review IS NOT A OVER YET.

KLAX

Tengen - 1990 - U.S.A.

HuCard

I got this game recently as a gift over the Christmas holiday. I've never been a big fan of KLAX, but it was a necessary acquisition in my seemingly neverending quest to acquire all the TG-16 US releases.

The TG-16 port is actually a really, really good facsimile of the arcade original. As far as TG-16 arcade ports go, KLAX is up there with the best of 'em. "Great," you're probably thinking, "KLAX must be a home run." Well, KLAX's arcade-perfect blessing is also it's biggest pitfall.

See, the trouble is that KLAX is a lousy fucking game to begin with. Keep in mind I'm probably the biggest puzzle game whore on the face of the Earth. KLAX is inane, it's slow, and it's boring. The most excitement in KLAX comes when you meet certain criteria that allows you to "warp" ahead a certain number of stages. That excitement is short-lived however, as soon as you actually reach the stage you're warping to and the doldrums of the gameplay set in once again. Audio in KLAX consists of "clicks", "clacks", "beeps" and "bloops." There is actually a "sound test" option available from the option menu where I was able to "test" all four sound effects and a couple poorly-digitized speech effects. This would be all well and good, except the game actually lacks any sort of in-game music. It doesn't take long before the clicking and clacking gets reaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllly fucking old.

The silver lining, if you can call it that, is that the game "options" screen really lives up to it's name. Just about every aspect of gameplay is adjustable, from the screen resolution right down to how random the colors of tiles you are given are. Unfortunately, there is no switchable option available in the options menu to toggle ass suckage, so despite the configurability factor, KLAX still remains a first-class KLUNKER.

I was a little excited about picking up the TG-16 version of KLAX, since I've seen many-a-gamer rave about it. Let me just say that unless you already know yourself to be a big fan of KLAX (in which case I'll say you ought to expand your horizons), you're better off spending your money on Puyo Puyo or Implode. You'll have a shitload more fun and get a fancy soundtrack to listen to while you play (imagine that!). Fuck, even Hatris has in-game music.

What an honor.

I'm pretty disappointed that this was the domestic effort we got from Tengen, though they did a fine job with what they had to work with. I would, however, have been much more excited to see the rumored port of Marble Madness come to fruition than this pile of crap. I'm a major Marble Madness fan, and I bet a Turbo port would've been just awesome.

Shanghai

Activision/Hudson Soft - 1987 - Japan

HuCard

For what's essentially a launch title, Shanghai brings the goods. It's lean, it's mean, and Shanghai lovers will find all the essentials here.

(Tune 3 is the best.)

Music is impressive chip fare, all of it very fitting and atmospheric. You have a choice of 3 different heavily Asian-inspired tunes to match tiles to. For a cart that came out in '87, the soundtrack still holds up technically well against many later titles.

Graphics are no-frills, but they get the job done and are crisp, clear, and easy to read. Unfortunately the background is a never-changing green color, but it's pretty nondescript and inoffensive.

Gameplay is classic Shanghai action. You can access the in-game menus at any time and an on-screen counter informs you of how many tiles you have left to clear. There is only one tileset in this first installment, but there are dozens of different board sequences available to conquer. There is also a "HINT" option in the in-game menu in case you get stuck, but only dirty cheaters would use that.

Victory is mine.

Somebody had the brilliant idea to create a patch that translates the in-game menus because, you know, Shanghai is extremely text-heavy. Either way, the patch is out there, and if you've got a flash cart for your Turbo there really isn't any reason NOT to download the patch and play the game with English menus.

Asuka 120% Maxima BURNING Fest

Fill In Cafe - 1995 - Japan
Super CD

Fucking retarded, doubly-retarded fighting game. I can't believe anyone actually likes this shit- Flash Hiders completely and utterly obliterates it on every level. The graphics especially are heinous; the characters all have super spindly limbs and teensy little faces that you can't even see, and they look about as high-res as a fucking NES game's sprites. There's a nice title screen and some slick presentation to trick you into thinking you're about to experience a sweet fighting game, but the actual fighting is BLEH to the max. I played this on PSX and THAT version was good since they completely re-did the graphics and added a ton of stuff to the fighting engine, but why anyone would bother playing this shit when there's Flash Hiders or Fatal Fury is beyond me and my loyal dog.

Genesis game that is better than this game rating- Deadly Moves AKA Tongue of the Fatman.

Bubblegum Crash

Bubble Gum Crash
NAXAT
HuCard
1991 or something, not like it matters- go look it up, retard.

I played through this game in one sitting, and it was mildly fun-- not the best digital comic I've ever played, but definitely worth playing through for any Turbo fan.

The game plays out like an episode of an anime show-- it starts out with a bank robbery and it's up to your chick (and her friends) to get to the bottom of what's going on. The story is predictable and the digital comic parts really hold your hands, but you can interact enough that it doesn't feel like you're just watching the proceedings. Everything unfolds like a typical game in the genre; you move between locations talking to people and uncovering clues, showing items, solving a few simple puzzles, etc. After an hour or so of that you are treated to a weird motorcycle chase thing where you have to catch up to a mech. The game concludes with the classic Wizardry-style maze (which seems to be standard issue for any digital comic made between 1985 and 1995) where you are attacked by robots as you try to hunt down the last boss. This was really the only annoying part of the game since you can't save in the maze (set aside at least an hour or so to beat it) and you get attacked literally every two fucking seconds sometimes. Fighting is completely pointless too since you can't upgrade any stats so it makes every battle that much more irritating.

Bubblegum Crash conforms to the Digital Comic Act of 1986 whereby tits & ass shots were made mandatory...

The graphics are decent enough for a HuCard, although it does have that NES look to some of the backgrounds (I assume they were saving memory for the bike chase part and the fight scenes later on). One thing that the game could have used is some more art of the main girls or at least bigger portraits, I felt like I barely saw them by the time I had finished. The maze part has the nicest graphics in the game and actually looks pretty cool, although it could have used more than 2 different robot types to fight and maybe a palette swap or something on the different floors.

...along with first-person dungeons as the final part of the game.

I also feel like I should mention that the music is pretty bland. Not a single song stuck out, they were all very generic and sounded like they came as examples with the PCE dev kit sound library or something. They weren't offensive or anything, just forgettable.

You'll do this about 1000+ times before finding the right path.

Genesis game that is better than this game rating- Spellcaster on Master System literally uses a bow and hand socket to treat this game like a rubbing stick and smoke it, Boyscout-style.

Youkai Douchuuki

This is an odd little platformer that is interesting mainly because half the fucking screen is taken up by your status bar. Literally half. It shows a little map that sort of gives you an idea of where you are in the level, but basically only by telling you how far you are away from the end since its just a crude drawing of the level. The control is decent, and it does everything ok in a 1988 sort of way, but the game as a whole is just archaic and not any fun. First of all you only get one fucking life, and that's IT, no continues or anything (at least not that I could find). You can buy stuff from an old lady in a store, but only health power ups and some status enhancers like new shoes that make you jump *slightly* higher, and other things nearly as worthless. Plus the collision detection is a little odd, it's one of those games where the edge of platforms and enemies isn't precisely defined (like donkey kong country compared to mario bros), so it can be ultimate frustrating. The boss fights are kind of cool though, your character prays at a shrine and his spirit comes out and you get to control it as it flies around and fires projectiles off, all the while your little guy is praying super hard.

Overall the game isn't exactly horrible but it's close enough that they share the same personal space. The few frustrations will over ride any fun you might possibly have; like when you have to stop at a shop (they aren't optional) and the screen takes 10 unbelievably-long seconds to change, you only get one life and no continues, and there are various extremely cheap parts that rival The Addams Family for frustration. I will say, though, it's leagues better than fucking JJ and Jeff or Impossamole, but what game isn't (besides Blodia)?

Genesis game that is better than this game rating- Wardner, by at least 7 Phantasy Star lengths.

Vanilla Syndrome

~ VANILLA SYNDROME ~

Nichibutsu

CD-ROM / Super CD-ROM

1991

When I think of Nichibutsu, I think of those F1 Circus games that a few folks adore and most of us despise. Having mastered the art of crafting polarizing racing games, the company decided to try their hand at the very similar genre of anime-girl mahjong. Vanilla Syndrome, the product of their experimental endeavor, has you play a goober who struts around in a pink vest. He's on his way to meet his girlfriend at an amusement park when he opens up a random door and gets sucked into another dimension where strange women want to play mahjong with him. Let's see what we've got here...

Well, we've got shops run by bunny girls. You pay with carrots, of course. I've never needed to purchase anything.

I won. "Cherry" seems angry about that.

The map parts suck. Basically, you can move the cursor around and click on every single spot hoping to set off an event, or you can make life easy for yourself by using a walkthrough that tells you exactly where to click and use items. This one is good: http://whss.biz/~mrx/game/pce-cd/vanillas/vanichart.html.

That's about all there is to the game. Mahjong is mahjong, and the map parts are painless if you use the guide. VS hopes to hook you with its weird girls; if you're looking forward to the next bizarre encounter, you'll keep on playing. Some of the artwork is subpar, and some of the character designs are goofy/unimpressive, but here are a few of the finer portraits:

Ah, a rare moment of peace amidst the mahjong wars...

Dungeon Master Theron's Quest

TTI - USA - 1993
Super CD

What a travesty. In some ways this version is superior to the original, but in the important areas it's a complete train wreck. The good points; the graphics are very nice-- the cinemas aren't technically the greatest but they at least add a halfway interesting story to give you some motivation to continue-- and the music is alright. Now for the bad! The first and most annoying thing about this version is that you have to beat every dungeon in one sitting. That's not a big deal on the first couple, but on the last 5 if you don't have at least 2-3 hours to set aside for gaming, don't even bother playing. This wouldn't be SO bad if the game was more straight-forward and revolved mostly around fighting, but Dungeon Master is 50/50 fighting and puzzle solving. So what happens if you get stuck on some stupid pressure plate puzzle and need to take a break? Tough shit! Turn your Duo off and you have to start completely from scratch in that dungeon. No midpoint saves, no exiting the dungeons and saving, nothing.

The second thing that is ultra annoying is that you don't get to keep anything you find in the dungeons. In this sense it's almost like a rogue game in that you start from square one in each dungeon, even having to re-pick your companions from the measly amount they give you to choose from (I think it's around 7, but I can't remember exactly). It completely ruins the fun. I mean what's the point of spending an hour on a puzzle and finding that SWEET piece of armor if you're just going to lose it when you beat the dungeon?

The last thing that sucks (that I will bother listing, not the last thing that sucks about the game) is how after you find the artifact you need you have to find your way back out of the dungeon-- an example of artificial lengthening at its finest! No new puzzles or anything, just a boring trek back through places you've already been with maybe a couple monsters to harass you.

Genesis game that is better than this game rating- Might & Magic Gates to Another World

Deep Blue

PACK-IN-VIDEO - 1989 - U.S.A.

HuCard

An underwater shooter that has a bad reputation, probably because it is too hard for most players. Speaking as someone who has cleared the game-- it's not bad. It is difficult, but don't fault the game if your playing isn't up to snuff. Deep Blue actually sports some really nice underwater visuals, especially for a 1989 release. The scenery has different layers of scrolling that while technically is pretty simple is used well to create a real feeling of depth, and some stages (especially 2 and 4) are just beautiful. One area Deep Blue really shines is the enemy design; the screens shown here don't even scratch the surface of the plethora of different foe you will encounter.

Deep Blue is especially tough because it is extremely hard to avoid getting hit most of the time, and when you do, your weapon downgrades one level. You can pick up powerups for different weapons, but the arsenal is limited. The swirl cutter weapon is the best, especially if you power it up a couple levels. You only have one life, but you have a life meter that slowly depletes as you get hit. If you avoid getting hit, it will gradually replenish itself. I like this, it's a fresh change from the tired traditions of most other shooters. The music is hit and miss. Every stage starts with a unique theme song but then when you reach the middle of a stage instead of a mid-boss, the music changes to a frantic number and you find yourself in a frenzy of oncoming foe. This frantic tune can be a little grating but most of the actual level themes are pretty pleasant and atmospheric. Overall, not a perfect game by any means, but a fun one nonetheless that doesn't deserve it's bad reputation. A must-try for hardcore shooter fanatics.