J.J. and Jeff

~ J.J. & JEFF ~

Hudson Soft / NEC

HuCard

1990

This slipshod action-platformer plays quite poorly compared to many similar titles. While one such title, the Turbo's own New Adventure Island, presents you with a variety of weapons that you can toss at your foes, J.J. grants you a short-range, imprecise little kick-attack as well as an unwieldy and mostly useless auxiliary spray can (which was included in lieu of the Japanese version's crass fart-attack). The action falls drastically short of matching NAI's continual fast-paced play and breathless pacing, as it frequently requires that you halt mid-dash to kick stupid things and receive worthless hints. And the stages are boring, uninspired exercises in basic platforming that repeatedly subject you to awful attempts at comedy.

J.J. fans love this sequence, which has the hero leap from bee-back to bee-back in order to avoid a fiery death. It's about as tricky as the game gets with its platforming segments.

J.J. not only plays terribly but also looks awful. The backdrops are flat, simplistic, ugly, redundant, and practically colorless compared to those sported by plenty of other cartoony platformers. Many of the sub-stages look the same as one another, with an occasional dull-color swap employed if you're really lucky. People actually make a huge fuss over some of the sprites being "large," but the only one that shows any creativity on the part of its creators is an odd-looking dragon-dog thing with a really long neck and a tiny body. All of the bosses are basically the same and can be taken down easily if you kick 'em in the head while dodging the rocks they toss at you.

Some folks love the "snazzy" soundtrack, but I don't. It doesn't help that the same couple of tunes get used over and over again. Even if we were talking about tracks that are the caliber of "Last Moment of the Dark" (and we most certainly are not), I wouldn't want to hear them repeatedly over the course of a single relatively brief adventure. The sound effects are also annoying, particularly the sudden-halt screech and the low-energy alert.

Perhaps the worst aspect of the whole terrible affair is the ridiculous "key" system. Each stage is split into four sub-levels, and you need to find a hidden key (basically by kicking anywhere and everywhere) to gain access to each stage-boss's lair. If you reach the fourth sub-stage but missed the key, you have to go back to an earlier area and search for it again and then replay the parts leading up to where you were. It's an awful, awful system, so let me save you some trouble. Here are the general locations where the keys can be found:

As for the game's "saving grace," the "comedy," well, I guess I'm a sour old man, as plummeting poop and "wonk wonk" dialogue do not amuse me (and no, I do not find that the additional fart-based filth in the Japanese version helps matters much). In fact, nothing in this game amuses me. It's one of the worst titles I've ever come across for the Turbo/PCE.

TV Sports Basketball

~ TV SPORTS BASKETBALL ~

Cinemaware / NEC

HuCard

1991

While it's hardly fantastic, TV Sports Basketball is easily the strongest member of an unexceptional series. Stupid things like the absence of interactive tip-offs and the action-disrupting incorporation of a mid-court menu drag it down, but it's a functional basketball sim. It's ridiculously easy, especially if you have a fast guard (like "DiFalco" on the Wizards) who can outrace every member of the other team down the court. But at least it's not as sloppy as Hockey or as fundamentally flawed as Football.

This feels more like choosing a Halloween costume than selecting a basketball team.

The contest begins. Notice that tip-offs are considered superfluous.

Speedy guards like DiFalco can beat most everyone else to the basket.

The player you're controlling goes on autopilot during these mid-court transitional sequences so that you can call a play. I don't bother to call plays. I don't have any problems winning, either.

To make a free throw, you have to succeed at the ol' "stop the arrow in the right spot" exercise.

And so ends a 255-154 thriller. You can see how many points and fouls each player had, but that's about as far as the game goes with stats.

You can sleepwalk through a whole season of blowout wins if you really want to.

Go team.

Psychosis

~ PSYCHOSIS ~

Naxat Soft / NEC

HuCard

1990

My favorite aspect of this shooter is its atypical music, not only for the excellence of the compositions themselves but also for the distinct audio quality. It's not the same sort of stuff you can hear from the lauded Dungeon Explorer and The Legendary Axe II soundtracks--in fact, it's very bizarre and very different from any other HuCard-presented material I can think of--but it's immensely impressive, frequently frantic, and extremely compelling. Consider this title a good reference point for misguided fools who believe the TG-16's aural capabilities don't extend beyond NES-caliber sound.

Aside from its intense, atmospheric score, Psychosis is best known for its intriguing "delve inside a troubled mind" theme (your mission is to enter a girl's subconscious and preserve her sanity by obliterating the nightmarish images that have tormented her), and it really takes advantage of the concept with an awesome ship design, outlandish enemies, and a generally abstract feeling about the realm it takes place in.

Also worth noting are the interesting allies you can recruit. If you protect a besieged little caterpillar at the beginning of the first stage, a battalion of butterflies will aid your efforts against the boss. Should you be able to reach the fourth area without dying, a giant turtle will come wafting along to defend your ship.

Wave guns, lightning barriers, and maneuverable options can be acquired and employed to ensure you'll have a solid shot at survival even if you fail to enlist the services of the aforementioned creatures.

I first played Psychosis back when it was originally released, and every time I revisit it, I find myself pleased to discover that it holds up extremely well. In fact, I enjoy it now more than ever. Unfortunately, it's cake for good shooter players. I can blast through it without dying and with no practice, and at five stages, it's far too short. Considering how enjoyable the game is, though, its relative lack of difficulty needn't be viewed as a deterrent. And it does loop with a "World II" that features identical level layouts but bullets that fly at insane speeds and foes who can really take a pounding.

Some enemies make themselves more conspicuous than others.

The fox boss shouldn't present much of a challenge, but the guy with the large knives will be a totally different story until you figure out his pattern.

Safe spots this obvious should be outlawed.

The last fight isn't too tough, but you'll probably have lots of fun getting to and partaking in it.

Fantasy Zone

~ FANTASY ZONE ~

NEC Avenue / Sega

HuCard

1989

During a very brief period when I was a dopey little kid, this sidescrolling shooter was actually my favorite video game. Well, I'm a dopey adult now, and FZ no longer holds that lofty status, but I'm still a sucker for its jolly music and pretty pastels. And I think it's awesome when Opa Opa, the heroic little pod-ship who acts as the game's protagonist, sprouts tiny legs to dash across planet surfaces. To top it all off, the TurboChip is PINK!

Well, I guess that all might sound kind of lame, but FZ's action is actually pretty heavy. Every stage save the last requires Opa Opa to hunt down and annihilate a number of enemy outposts lest the level loop interminably, and there are plenty of stray projectiles and oddball villains for the valiant craft to worry about as he endeavors to fulfill his seek-and-destroy responsibilities. Boss fights follow the outpost hunts, and things can get really tight during some of the strip-concluding clashes.

Still, as nostalgic as I am for the game, I must concede that it doesn't feature any especially thrilling stages or sequences, mainly because of the restrictive shoot-the-outposts-and-move-on formula it's built upon. Said outposts take more shots, and the small-fry become more aggressive, as the game goes on, but the aesthetic aspects stand out more than anything that has to do with the actual shooting. Whenever I revisit Fantasy Zone, it's to see the pastels and hear the tunes, not to dodge the bullets.

I must admit that I dreaded these bosses back in the day.

You can use money you acquire by defeating enemies to upgrade your engine and weaponry, but I usually don't even bother with the shops except to buy fire bombs for the final level.

Speaking of the final level, it pits you against some very grumpy adversaries.

The end-boss shoots snake-like things at you, one at a time. The last one is extremely fast; use the fire bomb to kill it.

Exile: Wicked Phenomenon (Exile II)

~ EXILE: WICKED PHENOMENON ~

(JPN: EXILE II)

Riot / Telenet / Working Designs (US)

Super CD-ROM

1993 (JPN: 1992)

Exile II starts off in exciting fashion with an excellent opening cinema. Granted, said cinema basically just shows off the four main characters, but it makes them look like badasses, and the music accompanying it is absolutely fantastic. The scene at the end of the game depicting an unexpected dilemma for returning-hero Sadler is also pretty damn cool.

But look between those two extreme points and you'll find a very short, very easy, very average action-RPG. It's a lot like the first Exile but even more linear: the "adventure" is actually no more than a straight line from town to battle scene to town to battle scene. This is nice in that the language barrier won't become a factor if you opt for the cheap import, but it doesn't make for great questing.

The action plays out poorly, but it doesn't matter in the Japanese original because you're way too powerful for your adversaries to handle, regardless of how many hits they get in. If you choose to purchase the much more expensive and notoriously "difficult" US rendition, Wicked Phenomenon, you'll find that Working Designs made the enemies hardier and capable of dealing greater damage. This isn't nearly the big deal that many make it out to be; you just have to do a little more leveling and pay a bit more attention to boss patterns (and endure some horrible voice acting as you proceed--they really sissified Sadler). WP can feel more rewarding than its Japanese counterpart since it actually requires players to pay some attention to what their foes are doing; but it can also be a lot more irritating, as it frequently makes players hack away at slow, dimwitted roadblocks who pose absolutely no threat but refuse to go away until they've been hit a few million times.

Some of the WP bosses aren't quite as weak as the complete chumps in the first Exile, but they're still pushovers; and the stage design is worse here, as the original's levels are larger and more labyrinthine. Offering a few different characters to play as doesn't make up for these deficiencies. Plan to have this one beaten in a day (yes, even the "impossible" WP), and don't plan to make any return trips once you're done.

The opening sequence is superb, but it's all downhill from there...

...except, of course, when you get to watch subsequent solid cinemas.

The decent-looking backgrounds and character sprites are the most noteworthy elements of the in-game experience.

Town scenes are uneventful.

You shouldn't have to break a sweat when fighting the bosses... or at any point at all, really.