TV Sports Football

~ TV SPORTS FOOTBALL ~

Cinemaware / NEC

HuCard

1990

I was actually psyched for this game when it first came out. The PC version had a good reputation, and VideoGames & Computer Entertainment magazine gave the Turbo port high scores (this was before I realized that VG&CE regularly gave console ports of popular computer games generous grades). As I quickly discovered, and as everyone now knows, the game is a dud.

Everything on offense is busted. The passing system is the most unintuitive that I've ever experienced in a football game. You need to "aim" the quarterback's arm in the direction that you want him to throw the ball. Cinemaware had good intentions with this system (they wanted you to "lead" your receivers just as real quarterbacks lead theirs), but it feels absolutely awful. Rushing isn't a valid alternative to throwing, as your running back can't create his own holes at the point of attack. You have to wait for your offensive line to create a gap, and even if you manage to sneak through said gap, you won't get far before a linebacker decks you.

All aspects of defense actually work well enough, and I like how the players grunt and growl with every tackle. But the computer-controlled offenses are inept, so there isn't much you actually need to do on "D." And the gameplay is far too slow to be much fun anyway.

Cinemaware cut some corners in a fashion that was typical of them. You don't get to kick the ball off, just like you don't get to participate in tip-offs in TV Sports Basketball. Electronic Gaming Monthly claimed that the game has a good halftime show, but I don't recall ever seeing a halftime show. And while I'm certainly not the kind of gamer who demands real players and teams in his sports games, I do like there to be some individuality among a fantasy league's players. TV Sports Basketball has its speedy guards, deadly shooters, and slow benchwarmers, but the players in this game just seem like generic bums waddling around a field.

The one thing that's handled extremely well is field-goal kicking. In fact, the way to have "fun" with TVSF is to shun the regular game modes entirely and head to practice, where you can stick to attempting field goals. The close-up field-goal screen actually looks pretty good, and the attempts the game has you make can be tricky. Doing nothing but kicking will get boring relatively quickly, of course, but it really is about all the chip has to offer.

Needless to say, Cinemaware didn't quite get an official NFL license.

Feels like watching a real game on TV, eh?

There isn't much to the playbook, but on offense you should stick with just one play anyway: the Pro-set crossing pattern.

With that play called, you can leave your QB's arm pointing straight ahead. Your receiver will cross over the middle...

...for an easy completion almost every time.

I think I actually did play through an entire season back when I first obtained the game. The things we'll do to convince ourselves we've gotten our money's worth...

Kicking is definitely the coolest-looking and most enjoyable part.

Timeball (Blodia)

Manuel Constantinidis/Hudson Soft - 1990 - U.S.A.
HuCard

Ahh, the infamous Timeball. Even in the US, it's probably better known as Blodia (its name in regions outside the US). Timeball endures the brunt of many-a-thrashing at the hands of Turbo players, often times being abused as an object of comparison by which to gauge a game's suckitude.

"Well, at least it's better than Blodia."
"That game sucks worse than Blodia! A rare achievement indeed!"
Etc.

And for what? Is Timeball really the epitome of all that was awful and putrid during the 16-bit era? In a word: no.

Those out there who know me know that I'm a sucker for a good puzzle game. And while I'd be going out on a limb by saying that Timeball classes with the best of 'em, it's many times removed from the worst of 'em.

So just what is it about Timeball that evokes such raw hatred from everyone? I've observed a definite correlation in the video game universe that ties a given title's difficulty with how much the average schmuck dislikes it. The harder the game, the "worse" the game. Case in point: Altered Beast. Deep Blue. Shape Shifter. Ghost Manor. I could go on and on. I've come to the conclusion that people in general like games that stick to a preconceived "norm" and any deviation beyond that realm just plain befuddles these clowns.

If this is truly the gauge of a game's greatness, then Timeball is guilty as charged. The goal of the game is to allow a glass ball to succesfully navigate a pipeline from beginning to end. Sounds simple enough, and it is. Except.... every pipeline has been "shuffled" so that you have to put it back together in the correct sequence or your ball will fall and shatter on the ground. The puzzles start out very simple but it won't be long before you're scratching your head.

Your score is awarded based on how quickly you complete each puzzle and how many moves it took you to reach that resolution. Gameplay is simple-- shuffle pipeline tiles around the board while the ball slowly traverses the course and when you're satisfied, hit the TURBO and let the ball zip through to the end. If Pipe Dream and that Puzzle game you used to be able to find under the Apple menu on those old Macs had a child, it would play exactly like Timeball.

Aesthetically the game is extremely utilitarian, but it's pleasant enough. The top and bottom of the screen display various environmental visuals that change every handful of levels or so. The majority of the screen is taken up by the game board where the real "action" happens. From the main menu you have a choice of two different music tracks or "None." As a matter of fact, the "Labyrinth" tune is one of my favorite video game tracks, ever. It's the kind of tune that fits this kind of game perfectly, and as many times as you hear it, it never gets old.

Timeball's biggest (only?) pitfall is the monotony that will inevitably ensue after you've been playing it for extended periods. Timeball is best played occasionally, in relatively short spurts. This should be no problem since the game will save your progress and high score table as you advance. There are 100 different boards total, and believe me, it will take many hours to see them all.

If you're like me and puzzle games appeal to you, or you're the kind of person who likes to sit down with a crossword or mind puzzle book every now and then, you'd probably do OK to nab a cheap copy (and it is cheap) of Timeball and give it a spin. You sure could do a lot worse.

Ninja Spirit

~ NINJA SPIRIT ~

Irem / NEC

HuCard

1990

Ninja Spirit is part of a remarkably rare breed: it's a TurboChip that even the most adamant TG-16 detractors typically credit as being extremely cool. I'm going to go out on a limb and assert that its good reputation isn't attributable solely to the score of "10" bestowed upon it by Electronic Gaming Monthly's Sushi-X. I think we can ascribe the accolades to the dark, somber manner in which the game sets up and presents its hack-and-slash-and-jump-really-high action: the opening sequence is a scene of tragedy; and once the gloom sets in, it's never shaken. Well into the night, heavyhearted Moonlight makes a vengeance-driven trek through murky marshes and dimly lit temples as hordes of blade-hurling ninja, sneaky spear wielders, and solemn-faced giants look to deal the blow that evokes his death howl.

While exhilarating, the kill-heavy proceedings are hardly deep. It's as if Irem took the few alluring elements that old Legend of Kage has going for it (most notably the ridiculously high jumps Kage is capable of performing) and placed them in a context where the fundamentals are actually sound. Some of Moonlight's end-level adversaries are embarrassingly easy to beat, but most of them are memorable design-wise, and the music that augments the showdowns is wonderfully fast and intense. In fact, the moody Far Eastern-flavored soundtrack is superb on the whole and establishes a very appropriate sense of unease.

Multiple always-in-hand weapons, gravity-defying ceiling jaunts, and recruitable Moonlight-mimicking spirit-allies are other aspects that contribute to Ninja Spirit's high fun factor, which renders its lack of difficulty forgivable (note that its "Arcade" mode is significantly tougher than its "PC Engine" mode and does feature an extra ending scene). As far as old-school ninja games go, I'd say NS doesn't come close to the amazing Shinobi III but can hold its own against any of the rest.

The tragic opening.

NEC was very proud of this big boss back in the day. He appeared in lots of ads and preview/review screens.

You can defeat some bosses with the powered-up bomb weapon before they even have a chance to attack you.

Moonlit Stage 3 has its fair share of challenging parts. Musketmen try to sneak up on you while you concentrate on ghost warriors who can kill with a single slash...

...and staff-twirling monks make nuisances of themselves in the marshlands.

Do some ceiling walking in Stage 4.

The Stage 6 storm-lands look pretty cool and give you plenty of dangerous enemies to deal with.

A look at the last stage's famous ninja pit. Note the (equally famous) safe spot.

The bit of ending text that no one ever has enough time to read, as it's onscreen for only a split second before vanishing.

Gate of Thunder

~ GATE OF THUNDER ~

Red / Hudson Soft

Super CD-ROM

1992

Gate's reputation as one of the greatest PC Engine shooters precedes it, and the list of merits to note in its favor is indeed a long one. The virtue that takes to the fore at once is the unforgettable audio. The game boasts spectacular music, from the heavy opening number and the tense Stage 2 track to the rockin' Dark City theme and the badass boss tune. Note that hard rock isn't all that's on offer here; reference the rhythmic Stage 3 tune and the somewhat eerie sixth-boss track.

In addition to featuring one of the best shooter soundtracks ever, Gate boasts some of the genre's all-time coolest level concepts. Few other blast 'em ups put you in as tight a situation as this one does in its very first strip, where you find yourself caught between the surface of a planet and the hull of a ten-screen-long starship. While many lesser shooters contain a typical "blow up a big ship piece by piece" stage, Gate has you mutilate a giant sea monster instead. And I can't think of another 16-bit sidescroller that at any point even comes close to having as much action as the insane Dark City stage, a level augmented by Megadethian riffs that make the experience of playing through it even more exciting.

With sharp visuals, dynamic explosions, bold guitar riffs, and a shades-sporting hero, Gate goes beyond "stylish" and seems to carry itself with an air of cockiness. Featuring flawless mechanics and a relentless enemy armada, it's a brash, fearless shooter that backs up its attitude with quality and substance. I've beaten the game about a million times, yet it's still lots of fun to play. A remarkable title just as enduring as it is intense, Gate has earned itself a spot among my five favorite shooters.

Starting things off with style.

The opening stage has you wreak havoc beneath an incredibly enormous starship.

Gate pits you against some very large mini-bosses, even as early as the second level.

I dig the third stage's lava-vat background, not to mention its big borer boss.

If the fourth boss can't nail you with its energy weapons, it'll resort to using its girth.

The fifth board has you destroy waves of mechanical worms and insects before taking you underwater to battle a sea monster.

While I use the earthquake weapon in most levels for its sheer destructivity, the wave beam boasts greater range and really comes in handy during the famously chaotic Dark City stage.

The enemy hits you with everything it's got during the final stretch.

J.J. and Jeff

~ J.J. & JEFF ~

Hudson Soft / NEC

HuCard

1990

This slipshod action-platformer plays quite poorly compared to many similar titles. While one such title, the Turbo's own New Adventure Island, presents you with a variety of weapons that you can toss at your foes, J.J. grants you a short-range, imprecise little kick-attack as well as an unwieldy and mostly useless auxiliary spray can (which was included in lieu of the Japanese version's crass fart-attack). The action falls drastically short of matching NAI's continual fast-paced play and breathless pacing, as it frequently requires that you halt mid-dash to kick stupid things and receive worthless hints. And the stages are boring, uninspired exercises in basic platforming that repeatedly subject you to awful attempts at comedy.

J.J. fans love this sequence, which has the hero leap from bee-back to bee-back in order to avoid a fiery death. It's about as tricky as the game gets with its platforming segments.

J.J. not only plays terribly but also looks awful. The backdrops are flat, simplistic, ugly, redundant, and practically colorless compared to those sported by plenty of other cartoony platformers. Many of the sub-stages look the same as one another, with an occasional dull-color swap employed if you're really lucky. People actually make a huge fuss over some of the sprites being "large," but the only one that shows any creativity on the part of its creators is an odd-looking dragon-dog thing with a really long neck and a tiny body. All of the bosses are basically the same and can be taken down easily if you kick 'em in the head while dodging the rocks they toss at you.

Some folks love the "snazzy" soundtrack, but I don't. It doesn't help that the same couple of tunes get used over and over again. Even if we were talking about tracks that are the caliber of "Last Moment of the Dark" (and we most certainly are not), I wouldn't want to hear them repeatedly over the course of a single relatively brief adventure. The sound effects are also annoying, particularly the sudden-halt screech and the low-energy alert.

Perhaps the worst aspect of the whole terrible affair is the ridiculous "key" system. Each stage is split into four sub-levels, and you need to find a hidden key (basically by kicking anywhere and everywhere) to gain access to each stage-boss's lair. If you reach the fourth sub-stage but missed the key, you have to go back to an earlier area and search for it again and then replay the parts leading up to where you were. It's an awful, awful system, so let me save you some trouble. Here are the general locations where the keys can be found:

As for the game's "saving grace," the "comedy," well, I guess I'm a sour old man, as plummeting poop and "wonk wonk" dialogue do not amuse me (and no, I do not find that the additional fart-based filth in the Japanese version helps matters much). In fact, nothing in this game amuses me. It's one of the worst titles I've ever come across for the Turbo/PCE.