Final Zone II

~ FINAL ZONE II ~

Telenet / NEC

1990

CD-ROM

I gave Final Zone II a try as soon as I'd obtained it, completed it during that same first session, and didn't bother with it again for ages. The vertically scrolling run-and-gun action wasn't wholly unsatisfying, but it was lackluster, and I decided I'd rather participate in message-board discussions mocking the silly songs, horrible voice acting, and dopey cinemas than actually experience them again. I've paid the game another couple of visits since the lengthy moratorium, and I'm never very happy with how it starts off. The first two stages are quite ugly, and the stop-and-start gameplay they feature (take a few steps, kill a few soldiers, stumble forward another few steps...) doesn't do much for me.

The worst doesn't come until Stage 3, however, when FZ2 decides to indulge in shoot-'em-up tomfoolery. The strip is unbelievably slow, dull, and primitive looking.

But then comes the turning point.

Upon reaching Stage 4 and being given the chance to do so, I always choose to play as bald, oafish Hansen (one of a number of playable characters that can be used over the course of the affair). His goofy theme music is so hilarious and absurd that it actually makes me laugh. Plus, the action, while still not thrilling, actually begins to pick up a bit. By Stage 5, there are plenty of bullets to dodge, and even though the game is still very easy, it at least keeps the player active.

Also, some of the music is actually pretty good, and I don't mean as a target of mockery. Main-character Bowie's theme is solid, and the memorable boss tune is a number that would fit right in on one of Telenet's high-quality Valis soundtracks.

However, while the second half of the adventure contains some respectable action sequences and the soundtrack is always entertaining, the game never actually threatens to become good. It's simply deficient in too many areas: it's way too short and easy, the first few levels are wastes of time, the graphics are poor, the lack of real power-ups means lack of variety, and there are too few "true" bosses.

Also, most of the voice acting is atrocious. Some of it is acceptable, though. My lost cousin Zigfriedovich once expressed the belief that the character Hanna was voiced by the same VA who did Robotech's Lisa Hayes. I'm pretty sure he was right about this, and I think that Hansen was voiced by the same guy who did George Sullivan for the RT episode "Star Dust." Strange that NEC got decent actors for Hanna and Hansen but a complete bum for Bowie, the hero of the affair.

Tricky Kick

~ TRICKY KICK ~

IGS

HuCard

1990

Tricky Kick is neither complex nor ambitious in concept. The mission it gives you is a simple one: play through six ten-level adventures by clearing each screen of certain objects. You can annihilate two identical objects by booting one into the other. The premise isn't complicated, but the way the game progresses is somewhat interesting. I know that difficulty is relative and all that, but it's quite common for a given level to seem much easier than the one that precedes it. It isn't unusual for me to be stumped by one puzzle for twenty minutes only to solve the subsequent one at once. There's no identifiable trend here when it comes to the element of challenge: the last stage of the haunted-house quest is super easy, while the final trial of the caveman's adventure is murder.

In any event, the challenging levels certainly outnumber the easy ones, which is fine by me. Some stages can seem really intimidating at first, as they host lots of "kick objects" scattered amid rebound bumpers and redirection arrows. However, trial and error leads to everything coming together, and the solutions to the puzzles sometimes seem ingenious. TK is an extremely well-designed game in this respect--though, in truth, the humorous ending "cinemas" are the high points of the whole affair.

Select a character to start off as. Each goes on a ten-stage adventure.

Oberon's quest takes him out into the wilderness.

These city buildings aren't much to look at, but the robots make for cool kick objects.

Taro's friends didn't think he had the bottle to enter the haunted house.

Boot around blood mammoths and other bug-eyed beasts.

Brave the "tough" side of town to reach the birthday party.

The feudal-Japan stages feature the game's catchiest music.

Darkwing Duck

~ DARKWING DUCK ~

Radiance Software / TTI

HuCard

1992

Wow, this is one of the worst-playing games ever. The controls are bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Seriously, they're fucking AWFUL.

But otherwise, uh, the game isn't so bad. Had its areas been fleshed out further, and had there been more of them, Darkwing might've wound up being a poor man's Castle of Illusion. As in Castle, you can perform a typical hop-attack and toss around limited-use projectiles as you travel through stages that are sometimes a great deal vaster than standard sidescrolling-platformer boards. The final level (of a small group of four) has you do lots of running around and bullet/machine/debris dodging, just as the earlier stages should. As things are, most of the fun to be had comes from putting together "bounce chains" (the game allows you to bound from one enemy/icon to another). There's some enjoyable zone exploration to conduct, as you must locate pieces of a huge hint-providing jigsaw puzzle (which can usually be found along the main route but are occasionally sequestered in tough-to-reach spots). Humorous skits that take place after the puzzle has been put together and during the ending sequence help keep the enjoyment level high.

The graphics aren't great, but they do impress at times, particularly at the end of the adventure when you face a giant, cool-looking Darkwing clone-bot in what turns out to be a pretty enjoyable battle. Nice backdrops highlight the other showdown scenes, and sprinkled multilayer effects enhance various sub-stages. The music has its own quirky appeal.

Pitting this effort against TaleSpin is a popular thing to do, but the two games just aren't that close to each other quality-wise. Darkwing demolishes its Disney brother in almost every way. DD simply has too many positive things working in its favor for it to be categorized with the worst games for the system, though it certainly can feel like one of the worst at times.

First, select a criminal to bust.

Then, contend with all kinds of weird enemies and obstacles as you search for the puzzle pieces...

...some of which can be located in very out-of-the-way places.

Put the pieces together to figure out what the bad guys' secret plan is.

Sort out a few of the enemy's henchmen...

...and take down the giant mimicker.

TaleSpin

~ TALESPIN ~

Radiance Software / NEC

HuCard

1991

While people don't typically heap praise on this cartoony action-platformer, they don't often give it the shellacking it deserves either. So for a long time I actually thought I would enjoy the game, as something about the look of it in the few screenshots I'd seen appealed to me.

But this is one of the few Turbo titles that actually look worse when viewed on a television screen than when seen in screen caps. The backgrounds lack detail, the enemy designs are uninspired, and the scenery is bland. The music and sound effects are even more offensive than the visuals, as they're of such revoltingly low quality that they'd be deemed unacceptable for a low-level NES cart. But the horrible controls and ill-conceived stage designs are the aspects that are truly unforgivable, as they "team up" to make the experience as aggravating as possible. But don't worry: it's easy to come up with "strategies" that'll enable you to cheese your way through the levels, and most of the bosses require you to do little more than hold down the fire button (even the last battle is a complete joke). To top it all off, the ending stinks.

I try to look for the good in everything and all that, and I guess the "good" in this case is the variety in weapons you use and challenges you face. You toss snowballs in the cold level and wield an air hose in the underwater level; and there's a sidescrolling shooter stage, a stage that lets you control some other bum, and vertically scrolling "sky skiing" bonus strips. But when everything looks so terrible, sounds so terrible, and plays so terribly, variety can hardly offset all the negative stuff.

The "cinematics" are purposeless.

Good luck with the platforming sections.

You'll end up in a lot of lousy predicaments because of the poor controls.

Oh sure, there's variety, but it's all crap.

Don't these boss fights look exciting?

A duel for the ages.

Avenger

~ AVENGER ~

Laser Soft / Telenet

CD-ROM

1990

Like Psychic Storm, Avenger is a vertical shooter that I've played through more times than any objective analysis would warrant. I'm sure that many people don't bother with it at all because of how primitive it looks in screenshots, and I can't say I blame them. It's as archaic as PCE CD shooters come, visually.

It wouldn't seem to bode well for the game that the first thing that comes to mind for me when it's mentioned is Rim (of Cosmic Fantasy fame) making a surprise appearance (if the player presses Select at the title screen). I tend to recall the music next; most of it is so-so stuff, but the rich, catchy tunes featured in the first and second-to-last stages are definite winners.

When I finally think about the gameplay, the strange control scheme Laser Soft implemented is the element that stands out most in my memories. You need to "lock" your gun into place if you want it to continue firing in a specific direction as you move about; otherwise, it shoots at an angle determined by the direction you're heading in. The game feels sort of like an overhead run-and-gun title in this regard. Sadly, the lock button is also used to trigger limited-quantity auxiliary weapons, so you can be sure that unintended "special" shots will be fired in the heat of battle.

The funny thing about Avenger is that even though it makes an awful initial impression, it actually does contain a heck of a lot of action. The enemies are small and ugly, but they're very fast and aggressive--like pesky, annoying insects--and they fire plenty of projectiles. The weapons system has you decide on armaments to use before each stage, and strategy does come into play during the selection process.

Unfortunately, the nice action is practically offset by the horrible, antiquated visuals. I'm not a graphics hound, but having to look at crap this primitive in a 16-bit shooter is truly off-putting. One stage features a massive vehicle that rumbles along with you for the entirety of the level, firing spread shots and releasing additional enemies at certain points. This should've been an awesome stretch, but instead, it's rather mundane, as the vehicle and the surrounding landscape look absolutely awful. Also, the ending is extremely lame.

Still, the action and the decent soundtrack have been incentive enough for me to revisit the game a number of times. But I doubt that most people will be willing to overlook the poor graphics in order to discover the title's merits; and again, I really can't say I blame them.

She's the star of the show... although, technically, she's not even in the game.

Avenger may not be the most impressive PC Engine game graphically...

...but it actually doesn't slack when it comes to action.

You earn weapons by completing missions. You'll build up quite a set by the end.

The stage-long showdown with a massive vehicle represents a lost opportunity, and not even the decent-looking, action-packed city level can make up for it.

Some of the enemy designs had potential...

...but only the intermediary stills are visually striking.

Blood Gear

Blood Gear... man this is a game that came out of NOWHERE and rocked me like a hurricane.

I love side-scrolling action RPGs and have played and beaten them all, including ones most donkey-anus lickers don't like (Zelda II crushes 1 and 3, if you disagree you're a fucking retarded spastic dumbshit fatso). I also love mechs, especially if they have burly legs and arms and look like what Thor would build instead of space shuttles if he was put in charge of Nasa. Blood Gear has both categories covered to the maximum allowed by Japanese law at the time.

The graphics are not the best 2D I've ever seen, but definitely some of the best the Duo has ever thrown out. Everything animates nicely, there is tons of color, and there's even some hefty parallax on certain levels. Some of the bosses are HUGE, and the last boss (in fact the whole last level) is insane. This is one game where I was more than happy with the ending, in fact it ranks in the top 3 ending sequences of any game I've ever played.

The gameplay is all side-scrolling action while town exploration is in the standard overhead RPG view. If you've played Exile or Exile II, you know the formula. I'd also compare it to Zelda II, Monster World IV, Wonder Boy 3 & 5, etc (in fact, Westone, the guys that did the Wonder Boy/Monster World games, are listed in the credits for Blood Gear).

One of the coolest things about this game is the experience system. Basically you earn points every time you defeat and enemy, then you go the mechanics shop and use them on whatever attributes you want. Each of the mechs has a different maximum, and unless you take your time you'll probably beat the game without having to max any of them out.

One final note, the language barrier is pretty much non-existent. The story comes across good through the cinematics, and there wasn't ever a spot where I got stuck for more than a few minutes. Someone with absolutely NO knowledge of Japanese (like me) can easily play through, beat, and enjoy this mammothly gnarly game. I can't recommend Blood Gear any higher, it's honestly one of the best old school games I've ever played.