Star Parodier

~ STAR PARODIER ~

Hudson Soft

Super CD-ROM

1992

I know I pull the "too easy" card a lot when I review shooters. And when I do it, I bet I sound like a no-life-having, Sinistron-loving snot (which, of course, is exactly what I am). But I feel entirely justified in labeling the Star Parodier default-settings experience too easy. The very first time I played the game, I accumulated a stock of twenty-four lives before some bum finally managed to kill me. The second time I played the game, I finished with a surplus total of thirty-three. That's just ridiculous.

The lack of difficulty isn't due to a lack of things to shoot at. In fact, there's PLENTY of stuff to shoot at. But extra lives are available in such abundance and your armaments are so overpowering that you end up with nothing to be scared of. I didn't view that as a good thing; without at least some fear of ship-losing involved for the player, shooters don't seem to have much steam to run on. I realize that much of the focus here is placed on humor and personality, but heck, Parodius manages to be charismatic and challenging at the same time. Star Parodier was enjoyable for me but (you knew it was coming) far too easy (and I mean FAR too easy).

But then I cranked up the difficulty, and SP redeemed itself. The bosses really pick up their games on hard mode, and even the standard foes become more aggressive and display more mettle. Now, a good player will still accumulate twenty-plus lives and wreak plenty of havoc, but the essence of the challenge is that if you die during the hectic later stretches (and lose your power-ups in the process), you might be staring at a string of a dozen or so deaths in a row. This will drive some players batty, I'm sure, but it gives the game an exciting element I was looking for in it: the threat of having to pay bitter consequences for dying. And after discovering the harsh joys of hard mode, I was more forgiving of default, as even I don't mind a stretch of relaxing shooting here and there as long as I can crank the toughness back up when I so desire. As an added bonus, you get a different ending for conquering the sterner setting.

And that's about enough on the difficulty, as there are plenty of other good things to talk about. The game is a success as a charismatic parody. Soldier series fans will be thrilled to find lots of clever nods to the serious space odysseys SP caricatures. Neither said fans nor anyone else is likely to find the title's underwater stretches, snow lands, and Tetris-block terrains exciting conceptually, but the strips are so colorful and gorgeous that it really doesn't matter that many other shooters feature similar sections. It's incredibly neat that you can choose to soar through those areas with Bomberman or a flying PC Engine rather than the usual Soldier craft, and the weapons you'll have at your disposal are quite cool and fun to use (even if they do come down too hard on the default enemies). The bosses you'll wield those weapons against, from the snowman who tosses his own head at you to the giant evil bomberman, are extremely likable. Adding to the fun are comedic intermediary stills that relate to the level-concluding battles. And the soundtrack is really nice; the upbeat ice-land tune makes me nod along, while the mellow opening notes of the giant-fish and snow-guy boss track are appealing in an entirely different way (I kind of wish the number remained low key instead of going crazy after a few seconds).

SP is an absolute must-get for shooter novices and, on hard mode, an enjoyable option for the pros. Of course, two of its serious-minded Soldier fellows (Blade and Final) are also PCE essentials. Super Star Soldier can go to hell.

Psychic Storm

~ PSYCHIC STORM ~

Laser Soft / Telenet

Super CD-ROM

1992

I wouldn't objectively rate this vertical shooter as being anything better than "decent," but I still play it fairly frequently, mainly for its quality soundtrack. There's plenty of variety in the music here: the ocean planet theme waltzes along in ominous fashion while the "Stage X" track is extremely upbeat and inspirational and has one hell of a hook. Beyond the tunes, the game is a mixed bag.

It's cool that most of the levels are split into two sections--one where you're high above a planet and another where you're near said planet's surface. Unfortunately, it's almost always the case that one of the two is terribly bland. The first-stage city is a good example: it looks like a nice, bright metropolis from afar, but by the time you descend, the invading monsters have wrecked it. This is cool in concept, but it ultimately means you'll be looking at boring blue rectangles for the second half of the level. Only the ravine stage delivers a complete package: initially, you see dragons flying about and bones littering the landscape below you; when you descend to fight the dragons, the bones serve as wonderfully enormous backdrop embellishments.

The game moves along at a slow pace and never really gives you all that much to dodge or shoot at. The experience is exhilarating only when the music really hits its stride. Your craft can metamorphose into a big bug (and strengthen itself in the process), a gameplay element that seems neat enough at first. But transforming is hardly ever necessary during stage play, so it ends up merely being a way for you to save some energy if need be against the bosses, who look very cool but are usually outmatched.

There are four different ships you may use, and you can switch to a new one in between stages, which allows the game to pretend that there's some strategy involved in the proceedings. Don't let it fool you. I usually stick with one pilot the whole way and have little trouble regardless of which one I choose. The Max Sterling wannabe starts off with a very lame "gun," however.

In the end, Psychic Storm makes for a decent $15-20 purchase. Expect good music and mixed-bag visuals accompanying gameplay that never comes close to the levels of action found in many mightier PCE verts.

Victory Run

~ VICTORY RUN ~

Hudson Soft / NEC

HuCard

1989

I bought this driving game way back in 1989, but it wasn't until many years later that I finally managed to beat it. I didn't play it much when I was a kid because it was pretty difficult for me back then, and I didn't play it at all for a number of years because it just didn't seem like a very good game. When I finally gave it another go as a skilled and determined (and extremely geeky) adult, I not only beat it but also enjoyed it.

Practice is necessary to take a firm grip on the clunky Victory Run vehicle. Of no help at all are the other drivers, who are collision-happy bastards, and the patches of crap that are littered about most of the tracks. Making matters even more difficult is the fact that your car slows down (and loses valuable extra seconds) during the final straightaway in each stage in order to "check in" at the finish line, an element of the proceedings that immediately seemed silly and objectionable to me. There are very few tunes to accompany the initially unenjoyable racing, and the first few levels are visually dull and redundant.

But when I reached the point where I was controlling my car well enough to steer clear of all the crap-patches and bastard-manned autos, I was able to advance past those lackluster early boards, and then things got fun. The final few levels are such a step up visually from the first bunch that it's hard to believe the same designers were involved with both batches. The vast green fields in Stage 6, the cloud-crossed sky in Stage 7, the sun-brightened beach in Stage 8... it's all beautiful stuff.

Appealing latter-half artwork isn't the only thing the game has going for it. Budgeting spare parts, considering terrain type (and the effect it has on gear switching), and overcoming limited visibility during nighttime stretches are enjoyable elements that add a bit of complexity to the basic "beat the clock" formula. And I always get a kick out of the rounds of applause that are given when you complete a stage without using any of your earned/allotted extra time (and it's worth noting that the time limits during the last few levels are really quite lenient). To top it all off, the brief ending sequence is pretty amusing.

Frankly, I'm probably being a little too positive here. The appealing strategy-related aspects of the affair and the late-stage visual heroics don't offset the fact that the actual driving calls for some grueling practice sessions. Still, if you dismiss (or have already dismissed) the game due to early-level boredom (as I once did), I recommend giving it another shot at some point because of the fun that can ultimately be had with it.

Son Son II

~ SON SON II ~

NEC Avenue / Capcom

HuCard

1989

Son Son II's soundtrack caught my attention immediately; it definitely ranks among the catchiest in the PCE library. I was truly surprised by just how awesome the melodies are, as cartoony platformers of SS2's ilk usually feature merry little jingles that just aren't my thing. The first stage's theme is pleasant enough, but then comes Stage 2 with a fantastic hook, Stage 4 with a wonderful bass-heavy number, and the final board with a fast-paced classic that had me pumped for the entire last stretch.

The bright, colorful graphics also pull their weight. They reminded me a bit of Tiger Road's at first, but with emphasis on vibrancy rather than grittiness. In fact, early on I was concerned that the whole affair would come off as just too darn "happy," but the areas are so visually appealing that it's practically impossible not to enjoy them, from Stage 4's snow land and Stage 5's orange skies to Stage 6's cloud castles and Stage 7's grand fortress.

So the superficials are great, but what really makes SS2 not only an extraordinary platformer but also an elite PCE game is its exploration element. Some of the levels are absolutely enormous and offer many different roads for you to travel down. And lethargic sightseeing is unacceptable here, as you'll constantly be leaping, falling, dashing, climbing, and peeking around for secrets (of which there are loads). Those might sound like the genre's traditional actions, but the impeccable stage design propels this experience to an entirely different level. You'll continually need to contemplate your next step or leap. Determine which corridors or niches to approach first to make the going a little easier and more cost efficient, and make wise use of shops and the various spells and items they offer. The way in which you manage your inventory can lead to success or failure here. You must be especially careful when deciding whether or not to swing away with your limited-use block-smashing glove: sometimes it's beneficial to unearth a hidden bonus; other times it's best to save that swipe for a different spot, where it can reveal an even more-precious reward. You'll also have to familiarize yourself with the locations where you can replenish the all-important glove's uses. You can totally see what the designers were thinking with item, shop, and enemy placement; this is one remarkably well-constructed adventure game.

It's a good thing that thorough level investigation is so enjoyable here, as it's absolutely essential. "Exploration" in many mascot-type run-and-jumpers means strolling around as you find your eighty-second extra life or forty-seventh bonus round, but Son Son II rewards you with necessities, such as keys to new areas, significant upgrades for your weapon, and trinkets that can be traded for valuable pieces of equipment. Many of these important objects are cleverly hidden, so you'll have to be extremely attentive as you poke around. The game keeps you constantly active and constantly thinking. Memorization isn't a chore at all here; it comes naturally as you have a blast with the action and secret uncovering. You're awarded extra cash at the end of a board if you complete it quickly, so there's additional incentive to really know the ins and outs of every expansive stage. Conversely, if you spend too much time blundering about a single level, a rather mean enemy will show up to annihilate you.

Actually, the enemy cast on the whole is a rather tough lot. You'll face all sorts of bad guys, including bouncy blobs, reptilian ogres, odd Octorok-like things, sneaky flytraps, Castlevania-type bone throwers, and drifting ghosts who can shove you off platforms or knock you around endlessly. You must learn when each breed is coming and figure out which countermeasures work best in each situation. Perhaps you'll know that three blobs are about to bound towards you at once, so you'll need to position yourself for an optimal initial strike and then have the wherewithal to change your position and finish them off. Thankfully, you have cool spear-like weapons and a bit of magical power with which to combat your strong, skilled adversaries. You'll probably need to resort to sorcery to defeat a brutal fan-wielder who loves to slam you into walls. Elsewhere, you might find yourself hopping atop a cloud, gaining the ability to soar about the playfield in the process, as you deal with a giant axeman.

And at the end of it all, you'll feel awfully good, as this is a very tough game. It's also one of the greatest HuCards ever made.

Bloody Wolf

~ BLOODY WOLF ~

Data East / NEC

HuCard

1990

Amidst comparisons to Contra, Last Alert, and the like, Bloody Wolf has seen its essence grow increasingly obscured over the years. Stone-faced scribes have shrouded the game’s true nature with flimflam-filled articles detailing the “solid action” and “cool graphics” that it flaunts. We must assume that these apocryphal assessments resulted either out of ignorance or an unwillingness to accept the adventure for what it is--which, of course, is an examination of the romances of chivalry.

Believe it. Bloody Wolf, an apparent overhead shooting game, pays homage to heroes who cherished only their reputations for magnanimity over their talent with weaponry. Admonishing those who tread down dishonorable paths, slaying giants in the names of the damsels they adore, and generally transforming wrongs into rights were the duties of these chivalrous warriors, all of which they went about while unleashing the most noble and eloquent of speeches, never to be forgotten by those who were privy to their beautiful melodies.

Select your knight errant from two soldiers reminiscent of Rambo. The fellow who goes unchosen will not be left out of this history entirely--he will merely be relegated to the role of squire. Our brave knight won’t quest for the sake of a lady--rather, the apple of his eye will be the beloved president of our country. He'll come equipped with the requisite stilted lines of dialogue, however, the delivering of which he undoubtedly practiced for hours in front of a mirror before nobly setting off on his mission.

Have you ever had the honor of hearing such mellifluous brilliance as the poetry our hero delivers upon acquiring a healing item?

MEDICINE. THE PAIN IS GONE.

Calm your racing heart and witness the glory that is our knight errant’s assessment of the situation at hand:

THE PRESIDENT IS IN THE ENEMY CAMP. HE IS A TROUBLEMAKER.

Well, at least we know what he means. Bless the oaf’s heart; he's trying.

Perhaps we’d do better to take a listen to our hero’s eloquence while he's in the midst of battle, when he feels at home and in his element. Perhaps the perfect instance would be when he encounters his knife-wielding rival in a dense, foreboding jungle:

Knife Guy: HA. I’LL SLICE YOU TO RIBBONS.

Our Hero: A-HA.

Knife Guy: WOWWWWW...

Noble intentions aside, this could be very well be the goofiest, most laughable dialogue to be witnessed in a game since the awful exchanges that took place in Captain America and the Avengers. Bloody Wolf doesn’t stop there, though; while paying homage to crap, why not give a nod to the infamous Sword of Sodan? One grateful young man does just that when he grants your knight errant a little advice as a reward for his chivalrous deeds:

WATCH OUT FOR BRIDGES.

Thank you, sir. Bridges are easy to miss, after all, when one isn’t WATCHING OUT for them--even if one is a knight errant.

Goofiness isn't confined to the charming dialogue; there are plenty of chuckles to be had when action is actually taking place. Let’s say that you nail an advancing soldier with a machine-gun shot right to the stomach--watch as blood pours out of his abdomen and he writhes in pain. Pretty cool, eh? Now, let’s say that you decide to annihilate your next foe with the toss of a grenade. Watch as your enemy rises up into the air, spinning all the while, and goes flying off the screen--perhaps the goofiest darn death sequence since similar misadventures took place in Last Battle.

And now we’re arriving at the essence of Bloody Wolf. Sure, it’s an intense study of chivalry and the heroes who subscribed to those ideals. Even more importantly, though, it represents the unholy alliance of Last Alert and a multitude of the silliest kitsch classics ever released.

Well, if you’re going to get any enjoyment out of this adventure, you’d best be of the ilk that finds amusement in such classics, as Bloody Wolf struggles a bit with its fundamentals. Gameplay-wise, it doesn't fare well in comparison with the similar (and much deeper) Last Alert. It lacks LA's varied mission objectives; instead, it delivers fairly straightforward run-and-kill stuff along with occasional hostage-rescue missions. Its control scheme is rather cumbersome (you can make use of two different weapons at once, but the second is triggered via the Run button) and doesn't feel as refined as LA's (forget about strafing). And your knight errant's adventure comes to an end much more quickly than Guy Kazama's does.

BW's cast of enemies also fails to impress; these certainly are not the kinds of villains that an aspiring knight errant could make history doing battle with. There is an unlimited quantity of dull-witted soldiers to destroy, most of whom appear in generic green garb and offer so little in the way of challenge that you might as well be dueling with windmills. These cretins are often accompanied by troops of red and blue varieties--the red fellas are a bit quicker than the greens, while the blue guys make use of spread guns. Prepare to run into these three types of adversaries quite often. Sure, to break up the monotony, you’ll be allowed to battle “armored” soldiers who can be defeated only if you attack them with certain types of weapons, but this remains a crew that falls far short of being exemplary.

Nonetheless, the situations you’re thrust into are occasionally interesting. Scaling the side of a mountain while dodging bullets is pretty enjoyable, even if you’re being shot at by those dull green folks (who temporarily assume the guises of paratroopers). River rafting while annihilating soldiers who launch missile attacks from the bank and dodging lunatics who lunge towards you in kamikaze fashion can be an engaging experience, as can zipping through an enemy base on a motorcycle, running over your enemies as you go.

Bloody Wolf adorns its hit-or-miss gameplay with colorful visuals and large, impressive sprites. Unfortunately, the characters seem to be a little too huge for their own good, as the screen often gets murdered by slowdown and flicker (which is particularly irritating when you consider that there isn’t all that much actual action going on). The game’s audio travels down a similar path: while the tunes are all quite melodic and should make for great listening, they're way too tinny and percussive in their execution. It’s the type of cacophony that usually only the horrible Genesis sound chip is capable of producing. The intense boss tune is the one track can be heard repeatedly without becoming annoying (which is a very good thing, as you’ll undoubtedly have to face a few of the ruffians more than once before you'll be able to annihilate them).

Speaking of the boss encounters, you’ll spar with helicopters, tanks, and other assorted giants as you attempt to prove your valor.

The battle with the “Knife Guy” alluded to above is interesting in that you and he are limited to stabbing and parrying with handheld weapons--which makes no sense, as you’ll have plenty in the way of guns and ammo by the time you reach that point, but it does make for a great fight. Also interesting is the showdown with the aptly named “Boss,” which takes place as you’re on the verge of rescuing the president. Somehow, this fellow uses a boomerang to nab all your weapons except for a small blade.

He won’t play fair like the Knife Guy does, however; instead, he’ll hurl a plethora of those lethal projectiles about the room as he fires away at you with his cannon.

Defeat him and you’ll have the privilege of witnessing one of the goofiest sequences in action-gaming history. With the president by your side, you’ll have to make a mad dash past dozens of enemy troops to reach the point where your rescue ‘copter is waiting. So off you go, wary but confident, when you suddenly remember that you still can only make use of your knife. As you hack and slash your way through fools who somehow can’t seem to kill you even with all their fancy spread guns and grenades, the president waddles along behind you, hands still bound (you’d think that while your knight is making so much use of his knife, he’d bother to cut the president loose). Not only will all those villains most likely fail in their attempts to stop you, but not one of them will actually think to grab the helpless president as he huffs and puffs his way to freedom.

Well, that sure is bad, but the worst is yet to come.

You see, when you finally do reach the helicopter, a soldier jumps out and tells you that there is room on board for only one more passenger.

For crying out loud, people, squeeze in! Have the president sit on someone’s lap! Do something so that everyone can go home safe and sound.

But no, it wouldn’t be proper for a knight errant to force his president to take a trip in discomfort. So the hero stays behind and gets captured by the enemy troops, who finally manage to catch up to him.

Here’s where the fellow whom you didn’t choose to play as enters the picture. As Sancho Panza would for Don Quixote, your squire comes running to the rescue. For most of what remains of the adventure, you’ll play as the “other fellow,” who raids the enemy headquarters in an effort to rescue our beloved knight errant. You’ll reassume your role as the true hero when the time comes for the final battle--and what an incredible battle it is!

Boss and his boomerangs show up for another duel, but this time, the fiend exhibits some newly learned “holographic powers.'' You know the deal: avoid the fakes and hit the "real one.” But it’s tough; Boss is one speedy villain, and he’s powerful enough to kill you before you even realize what it is you’re supposed to be doing.

Being a poor man’s Last Alert is nothing to be ashamed of. But even when considering Bloody Wolf’s own distinct merits, I feel that it has been overrated in the past. This is not a great game. Still, you’ll complete the adventure with a feeling of accomplishment and a smile on your face (as the ending sequence actually contains a good dose of effective intentional humor). Certainly, most knights errant would be content to retire in such a state.