God Panic

~ GOD PANIC ~

Teichiku

Super CD-ROM

1992

God Panic resides with Star Parodier in the PC Engine's niche of wacky/cartoony verticals, and the one you prefer might just come down to the kind of humor you enjoy in your "lighthearted" shooters. SP cleverly caricatures Soldier-series enemies while GP features a huge, weird-looking red guy with explosive farts. SP has bright, gorgeous snowfield and underwater levels while GP has you soar over an enormous bikini-clad sun bather.

Seriously though, GP actually does succeed with its nutty character designs. The fourth stage alone features the aforementioned crimson fart giant; pudgy pouncing guys whom you can knock to the turf; a mohawk-sporting, chain-wielding punk-rocker dude and his two oddball sidekicks; clones of your own character; a lunatic tanuki; and a fire-breathing dragon.

That's a solid boss parade, and even the normal enemy sprites are often large and appropriately off the wall in design.

The soundtrack is pretty good and presents rips of some famous rock numbers (like "Danger Zone"). Still, SP whips this game superficially, as the background graphics here are far from impressive. But GP holds up well enough with its aesthetics.

Its gameplay is where most of my concerns lie. The action is heavy on projectiles even though your hitbox is a little large for a bullet-heavy style of play. In fact, even the bullets themselves are huge, relatively speaking. (The developers seemed to have an idea that this would be a sloppy affair, as they decided to grant players an extendable life bar and allow play to resume right from the spot of death even after the use of a continue.) GP is still easy, though, as it suffers from the Cyber Core syndrome: it keeps you busy with lots of things to blast, and it hurls lots of crap at you, but somehow it still ends up lacking challenge. The weapons are lame for a shooter of this ilk, and the adventure is too short, with only five proper stages to play through. (If you're wondering what I mean by "proper," well, let's just say that there's a GNG-ish twist that a lot of people will not be amused by.)

Once you do reach the end (which will probably happen sooner rather than later), there's little incentive to take another trip through the game. You can set it to Hard to try to draw a little more life out of it, but then you end up with sped-up bullets hurtling towards your huge hitbox, which just makes the whole thing feel messy. If you stick with the default difficulty level to maintain a playable feel, you'll find that it's simply too easy to stay one step ahead of the game, regardless of the constant fire coming at you; and you'll discover that GP is a classic case of a title featuring a lot of good concepts that aren't executed particularly well. Take the last boss, for instance.

He's a gigantic vampire/monarch/pro-wrestling-champion bear dude, definitely neat in design, and he has five or six types of attacks at his disposal. Unfortunately, instead of utilizing his attack types randomly to keep you on your toes, he continues to use the same one over and over until you deal a certain amount of damage to him, provoking him to switch to the next. What should've been a great battle ends up a simple scrum, just like the fights that precede it.

GP certainly had the potential to be one of the PCE's true sleepers. It's still a decent shooter, boasting charismatic enemies, quality tunes, and consistent action. Honestly, though, based on screens I'd seen and reviews I'd read prior to purchasing it, along with the first few fun-filled moments I'd spent with it, I thought it'd be a bit better than it actually is. I ended up disappointed, but I have little doubt that there's an audience out there for it. Nonetheless, if it comes down to buying either this or Star Parodier for $5-10 more, SP is certainly the smart choice.

Human Sports Festival

~ HUMAN SPORTS FESTIVAL ~

Human

Super CD-ROM

1992

This disc contains three separate sports games, so I might as well break 'em down individually:

Final Match Tennis Ladies is the girlie counterpart to what is probably the most well-beloved PC Engine tennis game. Perspective-wise, the action is reminiscent of World Court Tennis', but the gameplay is much tighter and more enjoyable than WCT's. Still, the game is a little "dinky," and I prefer the more realistic feel and presentation of Davis Cup. But FMTL is certainly fun and fast paced, and it should be a treat for anyone who thinks WCT is even remotely playable. It easily could have stood on its own as a worthwhile HuCard.

Formation Soccer Human Cup '92 makes a poor first impression with horribly repetitive music and a cumbersome control scheme that has you press Run both to switch from one player to another and to select a teammate to pass to. Once you've got the controls down, the game isn't exactly terrible, but it can be quite boring, as you have to spend a lot of time simply fighting for the ball. Halftime is the highlight, as you can change the channel on a monitor that the contest is being "watched" on and check out other stuff like wrestling matches and Human's weather channel. It's pretty amusing (once).

Fine Shot Golf was a pleasant surprise. The gameplay is tight, and everything that needs to be done in setting up and taking a shot is made convenient for the player. The holes get pretty tricky but never stupidly so. I'm sure that some golf-game aficionados will find it too simple and easy, but it fits the bill fine for me as an enjoyable pick-up-and-play title. The graphics are definitely on the simplistic side (you never actually see a guy swing and hit the ball; it just sort of takes off on its own), but the jazzy music is surprisingly good and actually reminds me of Langrisser's soundtrack at times. This game manhandles Power Golf.

So the disc gives you two good games, and since it's extraordinarily cheap (often five bucks or less), it's easily recommendable to players who have even the slightest interest in tennis or golf sims.

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

~ WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO? ~

Pack-in Video / Broderbund Software

CD-ROM

1990

While I like to praise the oft-disparaged geniuses who developed games for Pack-in Video every chance I get, I guess they don't deserve a whole lot of credit for this menu-driven mystery title being a quality product. After all, Broderbund is the company that crafted the original computer-based version and came up with the concept for the game in the first place. Then again, this is a fantastic port, one that'll appeal most to us old folks who chased after crime-lord Carmen and her crowd of crooks back in our junior-high days. New sleuths with no nostalgia for the game should still get a couple of hours of fun out of it, and it probably won't cost more than a fiver to acquire. It's too bad that Where in Time wasn't brought over to the PCE as well.

Stay hot on the trail of ever-on-the-move criminals by garnering information about their exploits in the cities you tour...

...and learn about the histories, geographies, and economies of said cities while you're at it.

It usually isn't difficult to figure out where to go next, but even though this is an easy game, it isn't a dull one...

...thanks in part to the funny animated bits that play out when you're on the right path.

The places you visit look pretty nice, and the appealing imagery is accompanied by appropriate location-exclusive tunes.

Lock up Carmen's cronies one by one, and then go after the ringleader herself.

1941 Counter Attack

~ 1941 COUNTER ATTACK ~

Hudson Soft / Capcom

HuCard (SuperGrafx)

1991

After the antiquated vertical blaster 1943 Kai had let me down big time, I wasn't about to get my hopes up for its thematically similar SuperGrafx descendant. But while 1941 is reminiscent of '43 in many fundamental aspects, it's actually a heck of a lot more fun to play.

It maintains a fast pace, unlike 1943's monotonous first set of strips, but forethought and logic are evident in its level designs: no sequence here reminds one of the stretches of seemingly random projectile spewing in Kai's "new" stages. Adding a little fun and variety are diagonally scrolling segments; the adventure isn't just an uninterrupted bottom-to-top trip. And using the devastating missile weapon to annihilate enemies spread across the screen provides the satisfying feeling of slaughter one always hopes to experience when playing a shooter.

The graphical upgrade from Kai, though expected, is stunning. Gone are the simplicity and redundancy of 1943's uninspiring seas and skies. Counter Attack's environments not only are detailed and gorgeous but also exert themselves as factors in the gameplay itself. You'll demolish city buildings and cliff crests; navigate narrow passageways; and, in some harrowing but inevitable instances, struggle to regain control as your plane careens off walls (due to your own carelessness, of course).

Amazingly, there are times when the music impresses even more than the visuals. Sure, these tunes might not strike one for "remarkable drum quality" or whatever other reasons people come up with for lauding Kai's mediocre numbers, but the compositions themselves are extremely pleasant. Nonetheless, we must return to the graphics to find 1941's most memorable superficial moments, which, of course, come during boss confrontations. The big machines featured this time around are far more interesting than 1943's occasional large-yet-remarkably-dull planes and boats.

Even with all it does right, Counter Attack certainly isn't impervious to criticism. In a game that focuses almost exclusively on twitch action rather than memorization (and indeed seems built for such an approach), there are places where enemies will suddenly ram you up the ass or dart onscreen from odd angles, making for some cheap-feeling hits. (Of course, with an extendable life meter in tow, most players won't consider these moments to be game wrecking.) Also, while it does just about everything it can with the World War II concept, '41 can seem a little dull thematically, being that its PCE peers include the fantastical likes of Sapphire and Spriggan. Nevertheless, Counter Attack is well worth buying when and if you locate it at a reasonable price, as its action, visuals, and soundtrack combine to provide an entertaining experience--even though it has you deal with planes, ships, and other contraptions that take their cues from real-world technology rather than crazy creatures and mecha.

Wonder Momo

~ WONDER MOMO ~

Namco

HuCard

1989

Wonder Momo was never exactly at the top of my to-get list, but I'd been interested in it for quite a while before I finally went ahead and purchased it. Its appealing cover art is really what evoked my fascination, but the game itself looked like it had the potential to be a kitsch classic, a goofy title that would follow the path paved by lords of the lowbrow like Night Creatures and Energy and endear itself to me despite obvious flaws. Of course, the risk involved with such hopes is that the botch-job in question might prove to be more irritating than amusing, as is the case with the rough, repetitive Bravoman. Wonder Momo, unfortunately, flounders in the Bravoman category.

A girl who seems somewhat brain damaged gets up on a stage graced with ugly, boring backdrops as an audience roots her on with World Court Tennis-style whistles and applause. You play as the addled goofball and kick around a number of dopey-looking foes, building up your "wonder" meter in the process. An ample accumulation of wonder enables you to don a helmet and a "power outfit" and toss a bouncing ring-type weapon. Beat up enough goons and a tougher goon or two will appear, and then it's on to the next act (of which there are twelve in all).

All of this probably sounds pretty stupid, and, well, it really is. It's also repetitive and more than a little annoying thanks to iffy controls and troublesome aerial bad guys. But hey, after every few stages you get to see a picture of the chick looking "pretty." And if that doesn't sound like strong incentive to keep going, well...

...it really isn't.

Vigilante

~ VIGILANTE ~

Irem / NEC

HuCard

1989

I acquired Vigilante back when it was first released, and it has sucked ass from the very beginning. Taking its cue from ancient Kung Fu, it offers straightforward punch-and-kick action that calls for little thought, skill, or finesse. Stand in one spot and hold down a button with the corresponding turbo switch cranked up, and watch as your foes mindlessly stumble into beatings. Take a few steps forward and perform the same routine to deal with the next batch of assailants. Occasionally, you'll come into possession of nunchucks that'll essentially grant you invincibility until you encounter particular bosses.

The bosses are hardly difficult to beat, but they're stout, thickset fellows who don't go down easily. Get in a few jabs, take a couple of steps back in anticipation of a counterattack, and then move in once again. It's a tedious, unchallenging exercise, the thought of which won't encourage you to pound your way through the dull-in-their-own-right levels.

Your enemies look every bit the part of dopes, while the backdrops are drab for the most part.

A number of the game's tunes have stuck with me, and sometimes I'm silly enough to think it would be cool to revisit them, but the sad reality is that most of 'em sound terrible; and once the possibility of a pleasant aural reunion goes down the tubes, it's a given that the experience on the whole will suck.

At least your quest won't take you very far, so you'll endure minimal pain before reaching the amazing "WAY TO GO DUDE" ending screen. But when a game I've owned since '89 can barely make me wax nostalgic at all, well, the game really can't be worth a damn.

Little time is wasted before Vigilante lets you know just how goofy it really is.

It's turbo-switch-treated Kung Fu: clobber your witless enemies until you reach a boss.

The third level actually looks pretty nice, and it features a sequence that sees bikers attempt to run you down--the one stretch where the game deviates from its vanilla walk-halt-hit routine.

I get a kick out of how silly these oafish twins look as they go about their various attack motions.

There are references to other Irem products to be spotted in the final stage's backdrop--nice touches in what's generally a lousy and uninteresting game.