GAME REVIEWS

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

CAL II

~ CAL II ~
Birdy Soft / NEC Avenue
Super CD-ROM
1993

The CAL II "adventure" comprises a string of scenes depicting fairly cute (if strange) anime girls in weird (but rarely thrilling) situations. That may not sound all that bad, but be warned that this is one of those comics that actually have Game Overs, and you can be plugging away at a particular scene for a good ten minutes before abruptly hitting a wall and being forced to start the sequence anew. Interestingly, the soundtrack features work by Tenpei Sato (of Emerald Dragon fame) and theme music by T's, but it has little impact for the most part. The most "memorable" tune might well be the poor end-credits song.


Try not to get lost while exploring CAL II's vast overworld.


You'll encounter many mythological/fictional characters during your travels. The green-haired dope is supposed to be Poseidon, while the chick is a rather undead-looking representation of Shakespeare's Juliet.


Most of your time will be spent getting to know strange females and either lending them a hand...


...or fending for your life.


The minotaur is pretty lame, but only by first touching a woman's breast can you hope to defeat him.


Just keep saying "NO" during the final "challenge."

Monday, May 4, 2009

Dragon Knight II

~ DRAGON KNIGHT II ~
Elf / NEC Avenue
Super CD-ROM
1992

Enter the realm of Phoenix and take a brief look at your surroundings. You’ll see them hanging around the town cemetery, serving drinks at the crowded tavern, standing by idly as transactions take place within the local shops. Girls with blonde hair, girls with blue hair, and girls with green hair. Girls dressed elegantly and girls dressed in bunny outfits. Cute girls. Sly girls. Vivacious girls. Beautiful girls. And not a man in sight.



Well, no men of any consequence, anyway. Sure, there’s the sleazy bartender, the bald-headed brute at the weapons shop, and the requisite old wise man, but certainly no one who could turn the heads of those lively beauties running rampant about town, making Phoenix the quintessential utopia for the post-pubescent male.



Enter warrior and traveler Takeru Yamato. Stumbling upon said utopia, Takeru does indeed discover paradise as he makes his way about town and pays his respects to the local ladies. All is peaceful, all is good, and all is beautiful.



Then, the girls start to disappear.



Now, this is the point at which most young men would exit stage left. After all, a glance at the newly desolate landscape followed by a look at aforesaid weapons shop brute would complete this metaphoric castration and render most males helplessly distraught. Such is not the case with our hero, Takeru, however. Sword and shield in hand, he sets off towards the nearest dungeon to challenge the evil witch Mesaanya--who is to blame for all this turmoil--and set things right once again.



Elf’s Dragon Knight II is quite deserving of the risqué label it commonly garners, what with the abundance of nude anime females it presents. You see, while DKII is a traditional-in-style first-person dungeon crawler on the surface, it ultimately asserts itself by having you engage in combat with beautiful girls rather than the genre’s typical palette-swapped blobs. After snatching the ladies of Phoenix right out from under Takeru, Mesaanya placed curses on her prisoners, transforming them into an army of bloodthirsty girl-fiends.



Girls wrapped head to toe in bandages assuming the guises of mummies. Girls with spider legs protruding from their backs tossing webs at you. Girls with unicorn horns sprouting from the tops of their heads. Centaur girls, serpent girls, and girls leading dragons around by chains.



You’ll scuffle with all of them in standard turn-based combat, shredding through their monstrous exteriors and exposing a good deal of bare skin when victorious.



Phoenix plays host to three separate dungeons; a six-story monster is sandwiched by two single-floor labyrinths. With the third maze acting solely as a site for the final battle, the bulk of the adventure takes place inside of the other two. Takeru’s main objective is to find the “sacred scriptures” (read: loose brown pieces of paper) that'll allow him to remove the curses that Mesaanya placed on her lovely captives. To achieve his goal, he will have to fend off hostile girl-fiends; solve rudimentary puzzles; and interact with the interesting denizens of the drab dungeons, among whom is a bespectacled talking rat.



The nuts and bolts of DKII’s gameplay are pleasantly simple and effective. An auto-mapping feature is present, and at no time will any portions of your map be forgotten or erased, regardless of how deep you delve into the devilish labyrinths. Parleys with people in town and random battles within the dungeons are handled via easily navigable menus.

Indeed, the menu-driven combat is so simple that it would undoubtedly grate on one’s nerves at some point or another if not for the gorgeous manner in which the battles are presented. The girls stand quite tall in their monstrous glory, occupying large portions of the screen with their presences and looming as ferocious yet beautiful adversaries (various physical mutations notwithstanding). These hostile vixens aren’t the only specks of beauty to be found in Dragon Knight II; encounters with the citizens of Phoenix are presented in the form of brilliant single-screen cinemas. The interiors of the labyrinths are quite dissimilar to one another in appearance, although a rather drab “grey brick” look was selected for the one that Takeru will spend the most time exploring.



Partaking in DKII’s nudity-ridden battles is enjoyable enough, but the real fun begins once you start removing curses with the sacred scriptures. A newly saved girl will break out of her beastly exterior and lie helpless and naked on the ground of the cold, filthy dungeon. Now, one might expect to see said girl immediately run for cover once she gains her bearings. And one would surely believe that if there were no refuge to be found in the immediate vicinity, chivalrous Takeru would lend the damsel a hand by covering her with a towel or jacket or... something. Anything.

But this is Dragon Knight II. And in Dragon Knight II, naked girls don’t look to cover themselves up when in the presence of strange warriors. Instead, they talk.

For a while.

Naked.


This is where one gets a glimpse of the element that truly makes Dragon Knight II a winner. The game isn’t refined in its play mechanics. It isn’t particularly long or challenging or thought provoking. It doesn’t indulge in theatrics or feature a boatload of special effects. But it is kitschy--and it knows it and makes the most of it.



Once a girl has been saved, Takeru can head back to the town's inn and meet up with his new, beautiful acquaintance. Sometimes, the freshly rescued lass will be waiting in elegant attire, wishing to exchange pleasantries with her hero.



Other times, the girl will be completely naked and spraying her body with water.



Amazingly, Takeru never catches on to this pattern. Once a few girls have been saved, it becomes standard fare to head back to the inn in order to hold brief conclaves with them. You know very well that they will be waiting there for you when you arrive.

I also know that they will be there.

Even the weapons shop brute knows that they will be there.

Our good man Takeru just can’t figure this out, though. Thus, he typically cries out in surprise upon encountering the lasses. And his misgivings don’t end there. Even the most formal young ladies occasionally begin to strip in front of his very eyes, despite his protestations. We are left to weep for our poor hero when the screen fades to black with him still valiantly pleading with his visitor, delaying the inevitable.



Then it’s back to the dungeon to rescue more girls.

This is where the short length of the adventure becomes a blessing in disguise. The novelty of such a concept would surely wear thin if it were exploited too many times, which would be the case if Dragon Knight II were designed to be an “epic.” It’s not, however, and thus it retains its capacity to shock and entertain for the duration of Takeru’s journey. It’s worth noting that Elf consciously attempted to eliminate the possibility of tedium setting in with other fundamental elements besides length, among which is the game’s varied soundtrack. There are a number of different battle themes to be heard, and each dungeon floor features its own exclusive tune. Some tracks are frantic and upbeat while others are eerie and compelling, but all are appropriate and well done.

Of course, it’s worth mentioning that all of the dialogue, as well as most of the text, is presented in Japanese, although those who aren’t familiar with the language can still complete the game and enjoy it immensely. (Those who would like to refer to a walkthrough can find one here.) The menus are extremely user friendly and should be quite easy to figure out. None of the puzzles are particularly difficult to solve. An enormous door stands in your way and simply won’t budge no matter how hard you push on it? Well, trudge on back to the tavern and have a talk with the musclebound behemoth who hangs out there; I bet he can be of some assistance to you.



Even with the adult themes, Dragon Knight II presents a lighthearted quest that you will laugh along with and laugh at but never become bored with. The simple puzzles keep the adventure flowing at a rapid pace, and there is a truly surprising plot twist near the conclusion of the journey that should please even the most serious minded of RPG fans. To be sure, there are some ethical issues to consider here; tree-huggers would do well to pick up Double Dungeons instead. For everyone else, Dragon Knight II may prove to be a guilty pleasure--and a highly enjoyable one at that.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Basted

~ BASTED ~
AIC / NEC Avenue
Super CD-ROM
1994

There's an old Twilight Zone episode that tells the haunting tale of a man who stopped for gas in a small town and later realized he would never be allowed to leave. Scarred for life by this story, I'd kept my distance from small towns until I unwittingly fell into the trap set by AIC's Basted. While it's considered an "RPG" by most (if only in the loosest sense), Basted is truly the realization of my deepest, darkest fears.

All was okay at first. Your typical RPG field was where I became acquainted with Ryeza and Anita, my two-troop party. A band of kobolds (who looked like walking teddy bears) assaulted the heroines, at which point I was introduced to a rather neat real-time combat system. After selecting a member of the dirty pair to do my damage with, I slaughtered my assailants with sword swipes and charge attacks.



A short time after crushing the kobold militia, I arrived at a small town. This is when alarms should've gone off inside my head--but no, I foolishly believed that this town would be like, well, every other darn town in every other RPG: you know, a place where you can talk to the locals, stock up on equipment, down a few at the tavern--the usual good stuff that you do in a "first town" before the quest proper commences. I was just... "stopping for gas," if you will.



Hours passed.



Days passed.



My hair turned white. My face became wrinkled. My source of protoculture had been fully depleted.



And I was still in the same freakin' town.



At this point, I was scared out of my wits. But I eventually realized that I wasn't really "stuck" at all. This one town is simply all there really is to Basted. Not that there aren't plenty of recreational activities to participate in, such as...

1) ...talking to the townspeople! Of course, every townsman here speaks Japanese. Have no fear: the game plays a little jingle each time an "important" discussion takes place--just to let you know you're making progress! During your "journey," you will partake in HUNDREDS of conversations... and hear the jingle exactly three times.

2) ...going to church, where you can head upstairs and challenge THE AMAZING KARATE EXPERT to a fight! Lose to him and you'll fall through a trapdoor and end up back in the chapel. But beat him and he'll give you... a rather disgusting pornographic photograph!



3) ...having one of the townspeople play her violin for you. She knows only a single tune, and it sure ain't "The Bard's Song" from Ultima, but it will be a welcome change from the banjo strumming that otherwise accompanies your "adventures."

4) ...looking inside the dozens of barrels scattered about town. I bet there's something valuable inside one of 'em!

5) ...beating up the bouncer outside the bar, walking into said bar, and having your girls dance and expose their breasts for everyone. (This is not a particularly unpleasant prospect.)



Of course, "STOP PLAYING THE GAME" will probably be a more attractive option than any of these. Basted is a very short and mostly dopey one-town nightmare that rarely lets you make use of its interesting battle system, as those kobolds at the beginning, some knights at the end, and sporadic "bosses" comprise the entire enemy "legion." Heck, you won't even be allowed to leave the town save for two brief excursions. One of these trips has you climb a mountain, dash through a cave, and rummage through an entire castle--and during all of this, you have to win only TWO fights. I never thought I'd be wishing for random battles, but man...



There are no additional techniques to learn or weapons to acquire. No experience points to earn. No money to save. No mazes to traverse (unless we count the "final dungeon," which is essentially a forkless road to victory). No real puzzles to solve. Nothing...



...except for CINEMAS! Yes, Basted serves up cinema after cinema after cinema... and we're talking beautifully drawn, full-screen masterpieces here. Blood, destruction, nudity, melodrama, crazy Thunder Force III swirling effects, swords being plunged into women's chests--you name it, Basted's intermissions have it!



The cinematics are so well executed, in fact, that it's easy to comprehend and become involved in the tale the game is telling even if you don't know Japanese. It's an initially simple story of an exiled prince hiding out in an old, abandoned shack, a prince whom our two female rogues agree to aid in his fight against evil. But it becomes much more than that.

I can't help but chuckle when Ryeza reveals her plan to hustle the young nobleman.



I can't help but feel pity for a beautiful adversary who ends up bloodied and beaten and utters her final few words as a majestic track reminiscent of Ys' best temporarily replaces the banjo racket.



And I can't help but be moved when tough-girl Ryeza finally lets her guard down and begins falling for the prince. (My desire to find out if they'd end up together saw me through to the game's conclusion.)



Basted is an ingenious creation in a certain twisted way. With one town, one "maze," and COUNTLESS cinemas, it can be viewed as a parody of today's story-heavy, gameplay-light RPGs, even though it was produced long before the modern fluff-fests! You'll want to pick it up if only to see some fine Turbo animation; the cinematics alone make taking a trip through the valley of the shadow a worthwhile endeavor.

(A Basted strategy guide by yours truly can be found here. )