Rock On

~ ROCK ON ~

Big Club

HuCard

1989

"Dealy beloved. Other time, other space, people live a damn boring routine life, although the world is so peaceful.

"Off course, some of them thinks they gotto get out of the life, and dreaming about getting a big fortune. To realize that dream, there's only one way left in that world, needless to say, its, some how, to find out the mysterious fortune, hidden by the ancient people.

"'Busters', it's the name who we call the fortune hunters. Now they're about to start a historic journey, that no one could come back alive from.

"That is to get the 'FISA''s, called legend by people.... But, except the one person, no one in the world can make it real who has got to be billionet and radical, physically and mentally....

"Yes, you are the one!

"Now the whole world is watching you and looking for your success.

"NOW LET'S GO FOR IT!!!"

Those are the poetic words that scroll up the screen as super-dramatic music plays in the background when one begins a session of Rock On. Considering the, uh, "liveliness" of this textual prelude, I can't imagine why the game is ridiculed so often. But I didn't particularly care about its reputation coming in, as I enjoy a number of shooters that others scorn and ridicule (Deep Blue and Legion come to mind). Screw those foolish haters and jokesters!

Then I saw the goofy cover art and began to understand the hatred and laughter. I'm sure it doesn't help that the game was developed by "Big Club," a group perhaps best known for publishing the heavily battered samurai-harrier game, Jimmu Denshou. I'm a big Jimmu fan, but as we all know, that cool title was Wolf Team's work, so it did nothing to raise my hopes for Rock On (though I was interested in finding out how the Club would fare on their own).

The immediately despicable in-game visuals also do little to bolster the game's reputation. After undoubtedly pointing and laughing at the intro transcribed above, the player finds himself staring at the most boring of "starry" backdrops and controlling a slow, chubby, stupid-looking ship. Most folks don't get the chance to wash away that initial bad taste, as, like Legion and Deep Blue, Rock On doesn't go easy on people.

So yeah, considering all this ridiculousness and the game's tiny-budget aura, I guess I can understand why it's viewed the way it is. But, of course, I stuck with it... and discovered that it's flawed in ways even more egregious than most will ever know.

Actually, most will indeed become acquainted with the horrors of the game's ship-speed system. As alluded to before, your craft is extremely slow at the beginning. Not to worry--speed-up icons present themselves almost immediately. This is good. Unfortunately, if you grab more than just one or two of these things, you'll find yourself blazing all over space at ridiculous, uncontrollable speeds. "So just don't grab more than you need," you say. Yes, that's a nice idea and all... but they appear all over the fucking place, at times making Rock On feel like a manic shooter where the goal is to dodge speed-ups rather than bullets. And while it can be kinda fun to zip around at hyper speed as you're blasting through waves of villains in open space, things get a little tense when it comes time to navigate tight segments like this one:

Yeah, good luck with that.

A similar issue plagues the well-intentioned and almost well-implemented weapons system. Rock On provides you with lots and lots of ways to kill your enemies; we're talking cool stuff like 8-way shots, snake bolts, laser beams, lock-on missiles, fireballs, napalm, and flame throwers. You can hold three weapons at once and switch between those three as you like. There are some spots where it's crucial that you possess a certain gun; it's not just a matter of making life easier... it's LIFE OR DEATH. And that's pretty fucking cool in my opinion, as I sure don't mind a little trial and error and some item management elements in my shooters.

But that brings us to a problem: switching to another weapon requires a press of the Run button, which feels really awkward and is required at the worst of times, like when you've got a slew of enemies firing fast spread-shots your way.

And there's another problem: as is the case with the speed-ups, weapon icons appear everywhere. So if you need to hold on to a particular gun, you'll consider the many icons crowding the screen to be your worst enemies.

One last annoying issue (albeit one that only hard-core Rock On fans will ever be concerned about, and since there will never be any hard-core Rock On fans...) involves the game's money system. As you can tell from the fantastic opening bit of text, earning millions of dollars is the protagonist's main goal. This wouldn't seem to require you to go out of your way or anything, as money is basically your score with a dollar sign tacked on. But Rock On has a "happy ending" for those who earn big bucks, and if you have hopes of viewing that ending, well... forget it. You can crush all the bosses, make perfect use of your weapons, survive the adventure on one life, and pick up every piece of treasure you come across...

...and still not even come close to earning enough cash to view the happy ending.

But anyway... now that we've established that the game is severely flawed and pretty much impossible... let's examine what makes it so wonderful!

Yeah, it seems quite horrible at first, what with the broken speed system and the boring space background. But things start to pick up once you reach and duel with this speedy midboss. Defeat him and you'll earn the extremely useful 8-way shot.

Then there's a really nice sequence that basically has you pick your poison. The playfield is essentially two screens tall, a la Lightening Force, so you can decide if you want to take the high road and navigate an asteroid field or the low one and contend with dozens of camouflaged mecha.

Up next is the boss of the stage, a giant ship outfitted with lots of cannons. There's nothing new about making your way around such a behemoth-craft, and this one certainly isn't as cool as the R-Type Stage 3 vessel or Revenge Shark, but it's still a pleasant surprise at the conclusion of a small-fry-dominated stage. I bet it could beat Cerberus.

Jokes about cinematic quality aside, the intermission screens actually give you some really important tips.

The city background is much more impressive than the opening zone's star field, and it's neat how the color of the sky gradually changes as time passes. If you reach the red ball thing with a lock-on missile in your arsenal, you can take it out with one shot and end the stage then and there, without ever having to face the mini-boss. If you don't have the lock-on weapon, the stage will loop.

The third stage is the dreaded Labyrinth Zone. It's really fucking cool how this one level contains so many different types of areas: the cavernous main hub leads to bases; subterranean streams; lava lakes; and, ultimately, a palace. But the layout of the level is extremely confusing, with areas that loop, passages that take you back to the beginning, and warp icons that teleport you all over the place. So allow me to be your guide:

I.
First of all, don't use any of the warp icons. There's no reason to, and they only make matters even more confusing.

II.

When the path forks for the first time, take the bottom route. Do the same when it forks for the second time and the same for the third.

III.

Now you're in the underground stream area. You can reveal a gemstone by destroying a falling stalactite near the end of the strip. You'll want to have the F-cls weapon in your arsenal when you're done with this part.

IV.

The path forks again; this time, take the top route to a base area. Use the one-off F-cls weapon on one of the energy beams that stands in your way (yes, on the beam itself), and then fly on through when the other beam is automatically shut off. You can get a gem by wrecking a certain machine near the end of the strip.

V.

The path forks again; take the bottom route to the lava section. You can get a gem by defeating the mini-boss here.

VI.

The path forks yet again; take the bottom route to a different base-type place. There's a gem tucked away in a niche here; you don't have to destroy anything to reveal it, but you have to act quickly in order to nab it and get back on course.

VII.

The path forks one more time; take the top route up to the palace, where you'll encounter the dragon boss.

Use a standard weapon like the laser to blast the three orbs that hover around the dragon and the circular joint connecting the beast's head to its body. But save your lock-on missile for the creature's cranium, which you'll have to annihilate in order to uncover the level's fifth gem.

The fourth stage is straightforward blast-'em-up fun, a nice change of pace from the long, tortuous third level. These two guys probably aren't the caliber of boss machine you'd hope to run into at the end of a game, but they make for decent opponents anyway.

To think, all this craziness happened a mere twenty years ago, and history has already forgotten about it. But perhaps you'd like to know what happens if you yourself do something unforgettable--like accomplishing the pretty-much impossible and actually meeting the requirements for the game's happy ending. Why, I'll show you!

...

Obocchama Kun

~ OBOCCHAMA KUN ~

Pack-in Video / Namco

HuCard

1991

A quick point-by-point comparison of Obocchama Kun with its cartoony peers might lead one to believe that the game is a relative failure. Its run-and-throw style reminds one of New Adventure Island, but it certainly doesn't achieve the pace or excitement of that mad sprint. Its levels are as straightforward as its core gameplay, so expect none of the exploration, secret-searching, or strategic item management that can be enjoyed in Son Son II. It has no thrillingly dangerous obstacle courses a la Momotarou Katsugeki, as it chooses to remain content with typical bottomless pits as far as hazards go. And while its visuals and audio are really rather nice, they're still dinosaur-era stuff, so nothing it does superficially can best the wonderful colors and high-quality audio of a Bonk's Revenge or the occasional special effects of a Dragon Egg.

Things look grim indeed at this point, but there are two things that save Obocchama Kun from the life of scorn that a J.J. & Jeff endures.

First of all, it's really fucking weird. The main character is a funny, odd-looking freak who absolutely refuses to conform to game-society norms. He doesn't simply duck--he transforms himself into a little mutt. He doesn't just hop along and grab power-ups--he leaps up onto turtle-shell stages and strikes a singer's pose to make the good stuff appear. And he has plenty of nut-job allies, including a musclebound escort man, a helicopter bearing the face of a bearded fellow, a truncheon-tossing crybaby, and a gleeful Air Zonk reject.

Yep, the good guys sure are interesting... as are the villains, like the speedy hyenas and bubble-belching condors. These creatures certainly are neat in design, and they keep you very busy and alert. There's always something being shot or thrown your way or some miscreant trying to claw you or crush you or charge right through you. The designers were so proud of these active evildoers that they made sure every single one of them--from the big, tough minotaur to the small, silly monkey--gets introduced just prior to the start of the level it resides in.

Bosses get no such fanfare, but they're neat too, if too easy to take down (especially the chicken choker).

Obocchama Kun is at its best when it sticks to its strengths--being weird and providing lots of attackers to deal with. When it occasionally tries to "change things up," it typically falters: underwater levels, for instance, play horribly. But such deviations take place infrequently enough not to make a major impact. And considering that the game is indeed aesthetically appealing when it comes right down to it, there actually aren't many points to mark it off for, whether it's quite as awesome as its contemporaries or not. It's a title worth trying for its own bizarre merits.

Ranma 1/2: Datou, Ganso Musabetsu Kakutou-ryuu

~ RANMA 1/2 3 ~

NCS/Masaya

Super CD-ROM

1992

This third title in the PC Engine Ranma series is known as "the fighter one," but it bears little resemblance to other games from the 16-bit era that we usually refer to as "fighters." There are no quarter-circle-activated moves to be found here. As a matter of fact, there's hardly any technique involved in the proceedings at all. You pretty much just tumble around and whack your opponent. Assorted "special" moves can be performed simply by pressing Select or holding down the attack button to charge up a meter. This is essentially a shoddy sidescrolling action game that has you beat up one enemy at a time.

The funny thing about the three PCE Ranma games is that the middle one is a true gem, an almost perfectly crafted example of what can be done with a digital comic, while the action title and the "fighter" are unrefined flops. I do like the first episode, however, as it closely follows the only Ranma season actually worth watching, and it has appealing graphics and some interesting tough spots. This one, unfortunately, gives me very little to enjoy other than a few funny full-screen cinemas.

Ranma fans will certainly get a kick out of this game, but everyone else should stay away--especially people seeking a legitimate fighter, as this isn't one.

Implode

MindRec - 2002 - U.S.A.

Super CD-ROM

Implode is a curious footnote in TurboGrafx history, being the first pressed-CD released by an independant developer after the "official" death of the console (the last official licensed releases were the "Dead of the Brain" games released as a single package in 1999). Implode hit Turbo Zone Direct's shelves in 2002, but it wasn't until 2005 or so that I picked up a copy. Truth be told, I just wasn't all that excited about the premise of Implode despite my predilection for the genre.

Gain bonus points at the end of each level for every clear line.

Implode proved itself to be a well-executed product after all, and something a little different than what I'd had in mind. At first glance, Implode looks like your typical dime-a-dozen Tetris rip-off but the concept is surprisingly significantly different. Colored blocks stack up one-by-one from the bottom of the screen and it's your job to clear clusters of three-or-more like-colored chunks. You'll get the occasional "wild" block that cycles colors to contend with as well as bombs that will clear all like-colored blocks from the play area. If at any point the stack of blocks reaches the top of the screen, it's game over for you. As inane and boring as this may sound on paper, the game is actually quite entertaining.

The first five or so levels can really drag on, especially once you've gotten the hang of the gameplay but by level 7 or so things really pick up the pace. (Luckily, the impatient can speed things up prematurely by pressing button I.) You'll start out dealing with only three colors, but Implode begins adding new colors every handful of levels. In addition, the speed at which blocks appear increases significantly by level 9 making for a challenge that calls for far less strategy than it does fast reflexes. Music is ambient techno/trance style stuff that I usually utterly despise, yet here it's not only inoffensive but actually works. Visuals are conservative but colorful, though the game could have used some backdrop graphics in place of a black void.

Bye-bye blue.

I ended up getting a lot more out of Implode than I'd bargained for, and it's the fast paced "twitch" action of the later levels that keeps Implode a mainstay of my puzzle game rotation. I also find it somewhat ironic that a game developed by an independant group of dudes in their spare time manages to succeed in so many areas that "big label" titles like KLAX and Hatris are so deficient.

Spin the wheel of fame.

Hit the Ice

~ HIT THE ICE ~

Taito / Williams

HuCard

1992

My heavens, what a revolting piece of shit this game is.

Before I delve into just what makes Hit the Ice so offensive, let me say that I like quite a few "wacky" sports games. No "true to the real life clipboard" Madden play is as enjoyable for me to execute as a ridiculous 100-yard heave in Tecmo Super Bowl. I can abide few boxing games but totally dig Mike Tyson's Punch-out! And I spent many a multi-player get-together swishing threes and performing insane slam dunks in NBA Jam. In fact, were Hit the Ice the hockey equivalent of Jam, or something even remotely close to that, I probably would have penned a far more positive opening line for this review.

But it didn't quite turn out that way. It is indeed a "no holds barred" game of hockey; but unfortunately, it has practically no personality and requires virtually no skill. It can be fine for a sports game to chuck realism out the window, but the game had better be charismatic and it had better not be a snoozer gameplay-wise. Hit the Ice is as uncharismatic as they come; it takes more than an octopus-on-ice to bring a smile to my face, especially when the hockey "action" is as simplistic and tedious as it is here (there's a lot of back-and-forth "checking" with occasional weak shot attempts). In fact, sad-sack TV Sports Hockey, with its earnest but failed attempts at realism, arguably has more personality than Hit the Ice, as it features a gap-toothed announcer and nice-looking closeups. Heck, I get more of a kick out of TVSH's goofy player "portraits" than I do out of Hit's caricatural cast.

As if it isn't bad enough that Hit the Ice is a complete bore, it bears additional methods of repulsion in its disgustingly plain and ancient-looking visuals and laughable sound effects (which include lazy crowd whistling and annoying, all-too-frequent player "grunts").

Sweet, three goals. That's a hat trick...

...and chicks love hat tricks.

Booring. Remember when Blades of Steel let us play Gradius during intermissions? Those were the days.

Ouch. This calls for some sort of retaliation. Perhaps fisticuffs are in order...

You'd think a "wacky" hockey game would at least have fun fights, but this one doesn't. TV Sports Hockey has better. So does Blades of Steel. Hell, so does NES Ice Hockey, with its dust-cloud brawls.

Sometimes, the weakling who loses the punch-up ends up injured. How embarrassing.

Uh oh. I have a feeling something really dumb is about to happen...

...Yep.

At least the rewards to be reaped are well worth enduring all the foolishness and boredom. Yeah.