The Manhole

The Manhole
Sunsoft
CD- 3/22/91

As a long time yaoi fan, I was excited to stumble across this rare gem in the Turbo CD library. Most people think that the Saturn was the first system to feature a yaoi based dating sim, but that's only because Manhole is so amazingly hard to find that most import gamers have never even heard of it. While compared to the dating-sim offerings on the Sega Saturn this game is fairly primitive, I believe it stands the test of time in much the same way that the original Super Mario Bros does when compared to the technically superior later sequels.

Manhole starts out fairly typically for the genre; you're a first year Japanese high school student who is just blossoming into manhood. Your character has the usual big eyes and anime style of hair along with what appears to be a cucumber down the front of the pants. Seriously, everyone in this game wears way-tight pants like the kind Peggy Bundy wore. What's weird though is that they all wear baggy shirts opened down to the navel so they all look like ballet dancing hipsters. That's fine and all, but I prefer the Cho Aniki style of hulking brutes whose veins even have muscles.

The core gameplay is the same as every other dating sim you've ever played. Click an option, watch the dialogue play out on screen, click another choice, etc until you get one of the endings. What makes Manhole so addicting though is that every so often the story breaks into some bizarre Japanese gameshow type thing where all the available men are on a stage and it's up to you to guess what item they have shoved in the front of their pants. Most choices are of the sock, cucumber (like the main character), plums, or wad of play-doh variety, but there are some truly hilarious choices like bowling pin, small animal, your hand, and even a hamhock.

The dialogue is especially engaging for those who know a little Japanese. It's fairly easy to follow and features tons of slapstick comedy, the cornerstones of any truly memorable romp. For example the main character is always getting felt up by fellow classmate Yoshitake Yomano (a hilariously short and buff tennis player) under ludicrous circumstances such as they are both taking a test and Yomano just happens to drop his eraser 5 desks over onto your crotch. Hilarity ensues when he tries to retrieve it! Little things like this go a long way toward making you care for each character, and it definitely makes the decision extra hard and veiny when you have to choose a mate.

If you're an importer who wants a good dating sim but can't stand the usual guy-girl fare, then Manhole is perfect for you. Unlike other promising titles such as Wild Woody (Sega CD), Mr Nutz (SNES), Slam City (Genesis), S.C.A.T. (NES), Hard Blow (SFAM), and Dynamite Headdy (Genesis) that all failed to live up to their names, Manhole delivers in every possible way.

Battle Ace

~ BATTLE ACE ~

Hudson Soft

HuCard (SuperGrafx)

1989

Every console should be allowed a few duds. Of course, given only five titles to claim as its own, the SuperGrafx stood a better chance of hosting a library of perfection than most other systems. Indeed, after the first four SGX exclusives I'd played ranged from pretty good to phenomenal with nary a clunker in sight, a five-for-five showing seemed a realistic possibility. But then Battle Ace came along and annihilated that prospect.

BA is quite reminiscent of After Burner II (which I am admittedly not a big fan of) with its straightforward, repetitious shoot-the-enemies, dodge-the-missiles gameplay. But AB2 features a superior score and plays faster (and better if, like me, you prefer a behind-the-jet view to this inside-the-cockpit stuff).

Hudson Soft did try to set Battle Ace apart from After Burner by incorporating elements they undoubtedly believed would lend some variety to the experience. Bosses confront you at the conclusion of each act, but they're all easy to beat, and most are quite boring in design.

And "environmental factors" such as ice crystals, lightning bolts, asteroids, and flame geysers must be taken into consideration here, but they're usually not incorporated into the waves-of-enemies action; instead, the stretches hosting them act as simple breaks from the blasting and merely force you to do some back-and-forth maneuvering. Frankly, I derive more enjoyment from AB2's unspectacular bonus rounds.

If you want a pick-up-and-play title in this vein, hunt down After Burner II. If you'd like something similar to AB2 but with bosses and greater depth, you'd do well to acquire Spiral Wave. Hell, I'd rather play Starfox or fucking Stealth ATF than make another run through boring Battle Ace.

Gokuraku Chuka Taisen (Cloud Master)

~ CLOUD MASTER ~

Taito

HuCard

1992

Growing up an NES owner in a community of NES owners, I didn't enjoy much early exposure to the Sega Master System's library. Sure, there was one guy who owned an SMS, but my pals and I never played at his house; we stuck with our Castlevania and Zelda carts instead. Aside from a Golvellius here and a Miracle Warriors there, I never really felt like I was missing out on anything noteworthy; but Cloud Master was one title that had intrigued me from the start. Finally obtaining the HuCard version many years later was more than just a meager delight for me, especially since I'd learned the game had been altered and "souped up" during its transition to the PCE, ending up even more awesome than it was originally (not that anyone had ever called Cloud Master awesome to begin with, but whatever...). It reminded me right off the bat of another Taito shooter (of sorts), KiKi KaiKai, with its Far East-flavored soundtrack and area designs, bands of tiny enemies, dinky weaponry, and 8-bit-caliber "ping-ping" sound effects.

The visuals are what I like most about Cloud Master--the color choices, specifically. It seems as if everything had been drawn with pastels and then dulled down to the point where the hues appear reticent (but never washed out). CM achieves a cartoony look with an aspect of grit, which I think is pretty damn cool and not very typical. But most players will probably be more impressed by the parallax effects employed during boss battles.

The bosses are tough customers, as are their small-but-strong henchmen. To take down the lot of 'em, you'll need to make smart decisions in the weapon-selection chambers, which you gain access to after defeating lightning-bolt-hurling mini-bosses.

Even if your main shot is all powered up and you've got some nice auxiliary firepower in tow, you'll find that many of your foes can withstand severe beatings and keep on marching forward. This is where Cloud Master will prove annoying for some players. If you die late in the game (which you almost certainly will, considering the stoutness of your enemies, the abundance of incoming projectiles, and the relative largeness of your hitbox) and find yourself stripped of whatever powers you'd been wielding, your chances of advancing further may prove slim, as the monsters will shrug off your pellet fire without even a grimace. A one-life run is your best bet for winning and having fun while doing so, and to that end, I suggest acquiring the mini-cloud-guy option buddies as soon as possible. They may not provide the same level of protection as the wheel of flame or seem as cool as some of the flashier secondary shots, but their little red bullets actually pack quite a punch and can help you clear out areas quickly.

Cloud Master can be a bit irritating at times, but it ends up being a decent shooter thanks to its unusual visual elements, worthy bosses, and solid stage action. Even at its most frustrating power-stripping points, it never comes close to projecting an aura of indomitableness. The level of proficiency required for that single-try clear should be attainable for most competent players, and the enjoyment to be had when said level is reached makes those early bouts of frustration seem not so bad in retrospect.

Deep Blue

~ DEEP BLUE ~

Pack-in Video

HuCard

1989

Prerelease Deep Blue screen caps were so appealing to my NES-weary eyes that I fell in love with the shooter and its gorgeous underwater visuals long before I bought a TurboGrafx-16. One of those amazing shots accompanied an EGM "upcoming game" capsule report--you know, the type of blurb that typically contained nothing but general positivity concerning the title being previewed. But this particular paragraph lambasted the chip for overloading its playfield with brutal sea creatures. I shrugged off the crybaby barbs and proceeded to buy, beat, and love the game.

I still love it and frequently return to it, while most folks still rip on it and claim it's too difficult. For crying out loud, people, it's not that hard. Acquire and power up the green cutter weapon and you'll be able to slice right through the enemy waves. The purple bubble beam is quite lengthy, powerful, and effective itself (but make sure your turbo switch is in the "off" position while you're wielding it). Capture a single speed-up and your vessel will be good to go, and it comes ready to endure plenty of hits before finally sputtering out.

Let's take a detailed look at the beautiful trip the game takes us on.

Stage 1 - This gorgeous level acquaints you with some of Deep Blue's signature elements: front-line assault groups consisting of baby creatures precede the onslaught carried out by furious parents; and blaring, terrifying midlevel music alerts you to the advancement of the most serious threats. Enjoy the peaceful, relaxing melody that plays prior to the abrupt transition into undersea hell.

Stage 2 - This is a dark, scary stage with dark, scary music, but its neon inhabitants are actually very pretty.

Stage 3 - An underwater snowfall lends beauty to a level featuring awesome creatures such as stingrays, tiger fish, hammerhead sharks, and swordfish that streak forward like self-launching missiles. The only problem is the carnival music.

Stage 4 - Your final destination is an elegant but danger-ridden sea palace. Pray for the best when the urchin downpour begins. Your enemies here, particularly the octopi, are fast and relentless.

And here is the Deep Blue enemy-leader contingent, a wonderful group of aquatic giants that ranks among my favorite PCE-shooter boss casts. These guys really don't do all that much aside from drifting about and sending smaller beasts your way, but they look very cool (with the possible exception of the strangely sad-faced sea horse). Prepare for a nasty surprise if you manage to defeat the mollusc lord at the "end."

China Warrior

~ CHINA WARRIOR ~

Hudson Soft / NEC

HuCard

1989

I didn't bother to acquire China Warrior for a very long time, as it had always looked like trash to me, and just about everyone had said it was trash. Only when I found it cheap in a local shop did I feel compelled to give it a try. When I finally started playing it, I immediately thought to myself that everyone's right: it seemed utterly awful, like a faster-paced, punch-and-kick-based Sword of Sodan but boringly terrible rather than amusingly terrible. But as my avatar chugged along and I familiarized myself with the level layouts, I started to appreciate the game for the short-term fun that can be had with it (and I do mean short-term, as it's quickly conquered). It's not a high-quality product by any means, but it's not worthless either.

As clunky and unrefined as China Warrior may initially seem, its gameplay is based on timing and memorization, and it actually succeeds with the formula--to an extent. Once you've figured out how to dodge or deflect whatever comes running, rolling, or fluttering your way, you may find yourself in a zone where the action is very satisfying.

Unfortunately, after just a few plays, I found that I really didn't need to be in much of a zone to breeze through the first three stages (of four total). They're just not challenging enough to demand much in the way of tactics or reflexes. It isn't until the final stage that I actually have to implement some strategy, and since that strategy basically involves holding back and slowing things down, the rhythm element is sacrificed.

My opinion of China Warrior fluctuated quite a bit. I hated it at once but started to like it during the "in the zone" phase and then felt it was just okay when I reached the point where I was zombie-walking through most of it. In the end, it did rise well above my trash-level expectations for it, and it does have decent replay value, as it's a good game to bide time with.

Cosmic Fantasy 4 Chapter 1

~ COSMIC FANTASY 4 CHAPTER 1 ~

Telenet

Super CD-ROM

1994

I'm a huge Cosmic Fantasy fan. I'm fond of every game in the series except for this one, which is repugnant dreck. Nonetheless, I must concede that there are some positives to cite in its favor, namely...

...the characters. You can't go wrong with CF stalwarts Yuu and Saya, and there are a number of cool new good guys on the scene. A few of the villains (the ones who show up during the first half of the adventure) are witty, crafty, and funny.

Well... that's the good stuff. Here's the bad:

The digital-comic scenes. Starting a traditional-style RPG off with a stretch of comic-style play is an interesting concept, but watching Yuu blow off Saya to flirt with an idiot and talk to tech guys isn't much fun.

The story. There are very few cinemas, and the ones that're actually included are wasted on stupid stuff like a goofy cat's song-and-dance shtick. Other Cosmic Fantasy games are known for being dramatic, touching, and humorous, but this peculiar episode is largely devoid of such virtues.

The battle system. CF3 kept things quick and relatively simple, but 4-1 gives us "filling bars"-based nonsense. Combat proceedings feel very slow and tedious when you're using just one character, which you will be for a long while. Once you put together a competent band, the system begins to lend itself to fast, enjoyable play, but it still feels sloppy.

The dungeon design. The labyrinth-crawling stretches last longer than they really should, as Telenet decided to utilize annoying ploys like concealed pits and switches that reveal pathways all the way on the other side of their respective floors, not to mention that there are lots of irritating, multi-monster random battles (and I say this as someone who doesn't mind the encounter rates in the earlier episodes).

The length. The epic adventuring of CF2 is a distant memory. You'll be beating the tar out of CF4C1's weak final boss before you know it. Just imagine how short the game would be without the time-wasting dungeon nonsense and the frequent fighting. And I'm not going to let its status as a single chapter get it off the hook, as CF4C2 would fare well as a standalone effort.

Saya molestation. Now here's a brilliant idea. Let's have a salivating fire demon use its tentacles to tie up and sexually assault one of the sweetest and most endearing characters in the series. That'll please the fans. Remember CF2's amazing ending? It's hard to believe that the series went from that to this.

The music isn't bad, but it's completely forgettable, while the graphics are decent on the whole but occasionally get sliced up by gratuitous "SNES-type" effects. In fact, instead of doing things the CF way, this game seems to have been striving to be like other RPGs that were making names for themselves at the time of its release. It's too bad... but don't lose faith in the series here. Things start looking up again in Chapter 2.