Kaze Kiri

Kaze Kiri

Naxat Soft - 1994 - Japan

Super CD-ROM

This game basically sums up everything I hate about people who collect video games. If you look around you'll find endless hype and ebay auctions ending at ludicrous prices, all because long ago some fucktard who could barely speak English posted a glowing review of this Kung-Fu remake on his website (a laughable collection of "reviews" where a game had to be a blank CDR to score less than a 80%). At the time there wasn't much for PC Engine info out there so all the other fucktards took it as gospel and immediately rushed to ebay to buy the game. To their dismay they found that it was slightly uncommon (when compared to say, Keith Courage), so the price immediately skyrocketed and a legend was born.

Unfortunately the legend is complete dog shit. This is easily one of the most boring, repetitive games I have ever played. I wasn't joking when I said it was a graphical remake of Kung-Fu-- Kaze Kiri is a carbon copy of Kung-Fu with really nice graphics and a few (and I mean literally "a few") new moves. It plays exactly the fucking same as a shit, boring game made in 1985. You've probably read some dufus reviewers talk about the "depth" of combat. This is totally made-up bullshit. Here's how every battle goes down-- you attack, the enemy blocks... and blocks... and blocks... then you get lucky and get a strike in, then you do it again until either yours or his life meter is empty. Repeat for every fight in the entire game. That's it, there's no reversals or parrying, the "depth" comes from a block button which only serves to make the experience like stripping all but 4 moves from Street Fighter II and then playing 100 matches in a row with someone who just stands in the corner and blocks the entire time.

Which brings me to the next problem-- you do all this without once ever seeing even the tiniest of bumps on the floor. Every part of this game is flat as fuck-- there isn't a single environmental obstacle in the entire game. Despite what the screen shots tell you, the reality is that everything which looks like interesting parts of the environment is purely background art. And there are 19 levels of this boring crap. 19 levels and not a single fucking platform or pit to break up the monotony-- for fuck's sake, even Kung-Fu at least had a staircase you could climb.

The graphics are definitely really, really nice, though. And hell, if walking left to right over a perfectly flat floor and engaging in protracted turtle-fights with the same 10 enemies for a couple hours is your idea of fun, then you'll have a blast with Kaze Kiri in between adult diaper changes and trying to forge a third digit on your IQ test results.

Fiend Hunter

Fiend Hunter

Right Stuff - 1993 - Japan

Super CD-ROM

Fiend Hunter is a side view, 2D action RPG that uses the hard-to-master control scheme of Prince of Persia. By that I mean that your character, Feed Sluster (the candidate for worst name ever in a video game until Star Ocean 4 was released) is well-animated and has many different moves he can pull off, but controls likes total shit until you get the hang of it. Not a big deal if you have the correct amount of chromosomes, but retards who are used to Mario-style easiness will definitely furrow their caveman brows and cry their little beady eyes out over it. Anyway, you'll be walking, running, crawling, jumping, jumping really far and pulling yourself up a lot of ledges throughout the course of the game.

Whenever Feed encounters an enemy he pulls out his weapon and the controls change. He can swing high, low, block, jump around, etc. It's almost like a Street Fighter game, except that you don't have to input combination commands to pull off moves. There's even magic attacks you can use which help out quite a bit. My only gripe with the battle system is that you can go from an enemy who is a cakewalk to the very next guy who will utterly DESTROY your anus. Some enemies are extremely cheap, and hitting flying enemies is a nightmare. But for the most part it's not too bad, and once you get down some cheap tactics of your own you can smite most enemies (except those flying ones).

The cinemas in this game are very nice with lots of animation and beautiful use of colors. Right Stuff may not have been the best company around but they sure know how to use the extra memory of the Duo to pump out some cool cinemas. The intro even has a half naked chick in it-- yeah she looks like a 12 year old boy, but at least they were trying. I also loved how they made Feed out to be a truly badass character instead of falling back on their instinctual Japanese penchant for faggotry in character design.

Fiend Hunter also features some minor RPG elements in the form of upgrading Feed and his sidekick Exy (the little blob of flame). Anytime you kill an enemy they drop a diamond which you can use to upgrade any of your or Exy's stats. Exy helps out quite a bit once he gets powered up so it's worth your time to invest some points in his growth.

Another nice feature is the ability to save anywhere. It might seem cheap, but trust me you'll need to utilize it. Some of the levels are VERY hard, and being able to reload and try again is a godsend. If you don't make it to the later levels with enough health and power ups, you're pretty much screwed, so reloads are highly recommended if you are doing poorly on a level. Fortunately there are plenty power ups and health items laying around if you bother to explore a little. There are also rings which will alter your stats a little, increase your health, etc, kind of similar to Ys.

The language barrier is minimal, it's a linear game that doesn't rely on much puzzle solving or interaction with characters. There are some puzzles and town exploration (only at the very beginning-- there aren't any other towns), but it's all secondary to the action.

NOTE- Everyone already knows Feed Sluster is a shameless Earnest Evans ripoff, who in turn was a shameless Indiana Jones ripoff.

Power Drift

~ POWER DRIFT ~

Sega / Asmik

HuCard

1990

I should mention a couple of things right away. I've never played the arcade version of Power Drift that this port is so often said to be inferior to (and I'm not inclined to doubt those reports). And while my lunatic-level strength and perseverance while playing PCE games is already legendary, it bears mentioning here, as I am quite sure that most people will turn this game off after a mere half-minute of revulsion. So remember as you read that this reviewer, who stuck with HuCard Power Drift through all its hiccups, has the heart of a true Turbo champion... and the psyche of a madman.

Now that that's out of the way, I can present my take on this racer with true peace of mind: I find it to be both interesting and amusing. Oh, the graphics are horribly, horribly choppy, and the controls are anything but ideal. But I still have fun playing PD thanks to the antics of its comic-bookish cast and the fact that it remains well within the realm of reason with its level of difficulty despite its numerous flaws. In fact, while playing it, I occasionally find myself in a zone where the gameplay somehow feels smooth as everything choppily zooms by--which is fortunate, as it's absolutely necessary to be "in the zone" when taking on the most difficult rounds.

Select a driver from this motley bunch. I go with "Storoganoph." Name seems Russian to me. Dude looks Russian, too.

It's important to get off to a good start and break away from the crowd quickly. Playing catchup can prove extremely difficult.

With nice-enough scenery and huge vehicles, the graphics really aren't that bad... when they're viewed in stills, at least.

Be a cocky SOB and taunt the rest of the field when you move out in front.

Wild jumps are the most fun.

Be careful when driving through sections that don't provide any sort of side railing; it's easy to fall off the edges, especially while making sharp turns.

You can also run into trouble the old-fashioned way: by crashing.

Claim first place in every race and you'll gain access to an extra stage in which you'll pilot the After Burner craft.

Success earns you accolades from the game itself.

Doraemon Nobita no Dorabian Night

~ DORAEMON NOBITA NO DORABIAN NIGHT ~

Hudson Soft

HuCard

1991

This isn't a good game, but it really, really should be. It offers the sort of stage variety one likes to find in a cartoony platformer, as it features disparate environments that include prehistoric jungles, dusky graveyards, and Arabian palaces. Large sprites roam these areas (which look all the nicer when parallax is present), so the visuals are better than adequate (though some of the enemy sketches are quite crude).

You can explore the decent-looking lands to build up your stock of weapons (which will ultimately include a stun gun, lock-on bombs, and a behemoth-shrinking wand) and items (such as a propeller-topped cap that grants you the ability to fly for brief periods). Some trinkets even allow you to unearth secrets held by conquered stages (which you will be given plenty of opportunities to return to). Make a successful march to a world's end and you'll battle a boss (of course), with two tough guys making lasting impressions: a horned knight whose bolts you must deflect with your trusty mantle and a crazy-large bastard at the journey's conclusion.

Along the way, you can take a few breaks and play mini-games for bonus lives and power. This is strictly Gameboy-quality stuff, but hey, there's nothing wrong with offering some simple forms of entertainment here and there.

There are even some comedic "sketches" to relay the story and endow the game with extra personality.

This is all good. Unfortunately, Dorabian Night actually kind of sucks. It's extremely slow and easy and tedious--a flat-out bore, in the end. The pace is set at lackadaisical right at the start, and matters become monotonous when you're stuck waiting for the usual floating platforms to arrive and provide slow conveyance to the next dull strip. Hell, even a task as simple as stepping through a doorway seems to take the slow-footed protagonist an eternity. While you may occasionally find interesting things to do (such as riding a dinosaur--a slow-walking one, but still...), you'll spend most of your time engaged in tired, tedious routines like hopping repeatedly to avoid quicksand's deadly clutches, tiptoeing along in fear of pop-up spikes and falling chandeliers, and utilizing springboards or trampolines to ascend to high places (where you'll often find little but duplicates of items already in tow). It's worn-out material; the game is essentially an outdated slide show that proceeds at a crawl.

The enemies don't help its cause. They can be split into two groups, the first of which consists of small goofs who float about in slow, wavy patterns, basically begging to be picked off. Then there are the larger dopes; they're far too slow and stupid to ever cause any sort of harm, but they can take lots and lots of hits, forcing you to come to frequent stops and slowing things down even further. It all really drags after a while. And while the two bosses mentioned earlier are fun to confront, their peers are easy-to-crush jokes.

I guess this goes to show that designers can put all the nice ideas in the world into a platformer, but if they neglect to make it exciting in some way, their efforts will simply go for naught. It's very sad and a bit baffling that Dorabian Night ended up this way, but that's just how it is.

Godzilla

~ GODZILLA ~

Toho / Alfa System

Super CD-ROM

1993

Alfa System did a wonderful job on this fighting game's presentation. Even the pre-match "stage select" parts are memorable thanks to very cool music, Godzilla's fierce roar, and the large names of the combatants slowly sliding into place. It's stylish stuff that gets me psyched for battle every time.

The battles themselves are also aesthetically awesome. I've seen the backgrounds panned for being "too basic" at times, but they look great to me whether they involve "fancy" stuff like clouds rushing by overhead and dueling giants in the distance or simplistic depictions of faraway seas or planets. The monsters are large and well designed in almost every case, and while most of the musical tracks aren't particularly memorable, they always seem appropriate and effective for the scenes they accompany.

I figured that the superficials wouldn't be bad, but I was worried that the gameplay would prove too clunky for my tastes. After all, reviewers are fond of pointing out that the disc has you control lumbering beasts instead of lithe martial arts experts. But frankly, I can think of a number of fighters starring standard human clowns that don't control nearly as well as Godzilla does with its mighty behemoths. And I'm glad that the game, in one-player mode at least, goes for epic matches rather than quick knockouts. Battles between mega-monsters should be lengthy, hard-fought spectacles and should have a "do or die" feeling about them, and these ones are and do.

With its praise-worthy presentation and surprisingly sound play mechanics, Godzilla proves itself worthy of recommendation. While it doesn't quite rank among the best fighters for the system, it can certainly hang with the second-tier titles. But before you go ahead and purchase it, keep in mind that the Japanese release is much, much cheaper... and that price isn't the only major difference between the two versions. The PCE rendition features quiz bonus rounds that the US disc lacks.

This wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that you need to rack up high point totals to reach the elite monsters.

The US version's lack of bonus stages puts you at an enormous disadvantage, as it's possible to play phenomenally well--and I'm talking the game of your life--and still fail to reach the ultimate boss.

Of course, the assertion could be made that for players who can't read Japanese, the quizzes won't be of much help anyway. But believe me, every point earned is important, and stumbling upon even a few correct responses might make all the difference in the world when tally time comes. Still, if matters of collecting trump the notion of owning the fair and complete PCE release, at least Godzilla is what a lot of other expensive US titles are not: a damn good game.

Racing Damashii

~ RACING DAMASHII ~

Irem

HuCard

1991

Racing Damashii allows you to suit up and hit the road as one of the world's premier "DAREBEVIL RIDERS" (as the game's heartfelt epilogue lovingly refers to them). There's no superfluity of motorcycle games on the PC Engine, and Damashii doesn't play like the system's typical auto racers, so it's different if nothing else. Thankfully, the bike handles well enough to make the distinct gameplay a positive rather than a deterrent; and with decent graphics and some challenging courses, the overall package isn't unappealing after all. It beats Super Hang-On, for sure.

As in Victory Run, there's a parts-management element. You don't have to budget out spares for the entire trip, though; instead, you simply make race-by-race adjustments (such as replacing your standard "Slick" tires with "Rain" or, uh, "INTER MIDIEIT" ones, as dictated by course conditions).

The first order of business is always a two-lap time trial to determine your starting spot for the real deal. Figure out the lay of the land during the first lap, and exhaust your "turbo boosts" for a quick run through the second.

Then head back out for the five-lap main event, which won't feel much different from the preliminaries if you get off to a good start and never look back. Seven laps don't just fly by, so the game feels a little tedious and repetitive at times.

Win by a comfortable margin (as you likely will during the easy opening events) and you'll get to sit around staring at nothing while the losers finish their runs. This only adds to the tedium, but those early-stage victories will prove very important: points are tough to come by during the more-challenging races.

Inclement weather and super-sharp turns are tough to deal with, but your opponents themselves constitute the biggest concern later on, as they suddenly turn into talented speed demons.

Pit stops are a necessary evil. Try to build up a big lead before heading in for work, and don't take it for granted that your competitors will also need breaks (chances are they won't, especially near the end of the game).

Put in enough practice and you can become the greatest darebevil rider who has ever lived...

...but, uh, maybe it's best to leave the game unbeaten after all.

Tanjou: Debut

~ DEBUT ~

NEC Avenue / HEADROOM / Tenky

Super CD-ROM

1994

Debut's language barrier is harsh--not as difficult to circumvent as Princess Maker II's, but far more troublesome than Tokimeki Memorial's, which is about where I draw the line denoting the limits of practical accessibility. You must manage a group of teenage songstresses, sorting out their weekly schedules as they strive to achieve stardom. I did a poor job: two of my girls were constantly angry, sick, or sad, and one decided that becoming a nun was preferable to dealing with me any longer.

The would-be icons participate in quiz games, swimming races, photo shoots, and dance contests. None of this is all that funny or entertaining or endearing, and interaction is always at a very low level.

Obviously, you should stay away from this game if you don't know Japanese, but even if you do, you might still want to avoid it. The presentation is lackluster, the in-game music is mostly boring, and even the vocal numbers fail to impress.