Splatterhouse

~ SPLATTERHOUSE ~

Namco / NEC (US)

HuCard

1990

During the difficult days of the Turbo's pitiable existence, as the struggling console was being bought by no one and mocked by all (all who had actually heard of it, that is), the fools at NEC somehow managed to release a handful of titles that defied ridicule and commanded respect. Among the proud few that even haughty Genesis fans credited as "cool" were Ninja Spirit and, of course, Splatterhouse. In fact, it isn't all that uncommon today to hear folks who have long since dumped their Turbos speak of this horror-themed action-platformer as one of the very few reasons they'd bothered with the system at all. Stout Splatterhouse did indeed escape mass mockery, but it has taken some slight knocks for gameplay that people perhaps prejudged as slightly clunky due to the huge sprites the game employs.

Well, damn it all, I think Splatterhouse plays great, and I always have. Granted, it's not like people have been classifying it with the likes of Sword of Sodan and Rastan Saga II. But they also haven't given it credit for starring a protagonist who's quite proficient with weaponry and who moves along surprisingly quickly despite his big-guy stature. They also haven't hailed the efforts of the designers who produced segments involving very tricky leaps (usually over the likes of flaming logs, stream spikes, and creeping-hand cavities as opposed to the usual pit-fodder), the sorts of sections that would have players cursing in frustration if not for obstacle spacing so precise as to be perfect for the game's controls.

So I certainly don't agree with those who slight Splatter's gameplay; but to be honest, had the inclusion of such huge characters meant a few minor control hiccups, I probably would have accepted the tradeoff anyway. This isn't some goofball-vs.-goofball hacking exercise a la the aforementioned fantasy flops; it's about a burly tough-dude battling through a horror-house loaded with crazy, dangerous creatures, and if such a premise doesn't call for enormous everything, then I don't know what does.

It also calls for a great soundtrack, and the Splatter crew came through with eerie Twilight Zone-esque numbers for chills and frenetic tracks for when the insane goes down. Indeed, there's plenty of insanity to behold as you explore the game's mid-stages, which offer multiple paths for you to travel. Regardless of the route you take, Splatterhouse will prove itself to be an incredibly enjoyable action title.

Such gruesome entertainment! I'm even more amused by the splattered enemies and goo puddles now than I was back in junior high. The ragged pups just want to munch on ghoul remnants, but they'll come after you if you irritate them.

You'll run into a wide variety of fiends as you explore the game's numerous sub-stages. The underground sludge monsters know how to throw a punch, while the "Uh-oh Wizard" prefers to keep his distance and direct undead minions.

Though you can take a number of different paths through the game, some ghost lairs, including the "meat room" and the quaking Chamber of Enchanted Furniture, simply can't be avoided.

The title features a few truly unforgettable boss battles. The music goes crazy when the chainsaw guy shows up. And just look at the clawed monstrosity that Rick's girlfriend ends up being turned into. Defeating the creature...

...brings about unavoidable tragedy. Fucking awesome.

And don't think the fun ends there. Monster fetuses and a maggot-eaten final boss must be taken care of before Rick's work is done.

Incidentally, there are a few minor differences between the US and JPN versions of the game. Most are shown below (with the US shots on the left) and involve masks or crosses. There isn't much that needs to be said about 'em, really... except that an altar scene without an altar makes for a really awkward moment in the US version.

Road Spirits

~ ROAD SPIRITS ~

Pack-in Video / ARC

CD-ROM

1991

Pack-in Video's hard-hitting PC Engine lineup was so stacked that a few of their quality titles kind of slipped through the cracks. Even the company's number-one nut-job fan (me) never gave much thought to Road Spirits, as it doesn't receive nearly as much attention as fellow PCE drivers Out Run, Victory Run, and Final Lap Twin. Heck, even when RS is mentioned, people usually just confuse it with Racing Damashii. But after finally bothering to do a little research on it, I decided it was a game that I needed to pick up. Images did it for me: I really like the nice, light colors RS employs as well as the variety it presents in stage-to-stage vehicle design.

Not that it's an artistic masterwork. I know that a lot of folks will slam its backgrounds for being simplistic or sloppy and mock the crude rectangular things that are distant enemy autos. And while those people may have a point or two, I don't mind any of RS's visual shortcomings; in fact, the only gripe I have about the game's superficials concerns the "screeching tire" sound effect. The noise itself isn't bad enough to be deafening or anything, but it's used ridiculously often and seldom appropriately: situations where you're handling an easy turn with total control seem like death-defying endeavors because your wheels insist on shrieking.

But then, I suppose that if ARC had preserved the racket for dangerous maneuvers, it would be heard only occasionally, if at all. You see, RS's controls are good, very good... so good that almost every turn is an easy turn. You might think that courses with atypical driving surfaces would make matters a bit trickier...

...but as my realistic cousin Zigfriedomanovich would say, YOU'RE THINKING TOO MUCH!

Now, easy games can be good games, of course... but with seventeen stages of infant-level challenge, Road Spirits runs the risk of losing people's interest. Variety--in, like, everything--was the designers' solution.

Shift select is standard stuff, and while the option to use different vehicles places the game at the advanced level of, uh, Rad Racer...

...the neatest adjustable element is the soundtrack. You can select from ten different tunes prior to each stage...

...and we're talking major variety here: loungy jazz stuff, lead-laden metal stuff, nutty stuff, and even a track that sounds like a red book remix of an old Final Lap number.

Oh, and after each stage, you're "rewarded" with a "girl picture."

Not exactly titillating material, there.

Really, there isn't all that much about Road Spirits that's thrilling, but it's fun and plays well and offers variety enough to hold most people's attention. Out Run is a similar game with similar objectives, but while OR receives much more praise and is certainly more impressive technically, I'll take RS's visuals and variety any day.

Yo Bro

~ YO BRO ~

ICOM Simulations / NEC

HuCard

1991

Games that the masses stomp on are games that I usually receive with open arms, as I'm always interested in making the acquaintances of misunderstood gems and kitsch classics. But Yo Bro was one of the downtrodden that even I had refused to grant refuge to for a very long time. Reports made it out to be a Zombies Ate My Neighbors clone that featured Beach Boys music and starred a skateboarding bear. Well, I hate Zombies Ate My Neighbors, I don't care for the Beach Boys, and I've never been one to associate with skateboarding bears, not to mention that I just didn't think the "rescue roaming kinds and pelt some goofy bad guys" theme would do anything for me. So despite my fondness for "bad" games, I wasn't looking forward to this one...

...and, as it turns out, for good reason: it ended up being pretty crappy in just about every way. The Beach Boys tunes, as expected, get on my nerves, especially since there are so few of them stretched out over thirty damned levels. The simplistic visuals are no picnic either. As for the gameplay, good lord, the skating feels horrible, and the bear's basic slingshot weaponry is anything but ideal. The action feels repetitive just a few rounds in, a problem exacerbated by the fact that the game recycles its foe groups for the latter half of the overlong expedition. Many of the enemies that make up those groups are either mundane (fires, barrels of toxic waste, beehives) or irritating as hell (the infamous multiplying amoebas).

But hey, almost every kitschy "great" is garbage if you break it down into its elements. Failure to perform well in such an analysis doesn't mean that a game doesn't have a lot to offer, and there are indeed some good things that can be said about YB. There's definitely a feeling of satisfaction that accompanies triumph in a difficult level. And some of the enemies are pretty neat, particularly the cute little bunnies and the baby dinos who gobble kids up.

Also, there are secret areas to discover and interesting (if sloppy) shooter-/run-'n-gun-style bonus rounds to participate in.

There's no doubt that the negatives in this case far outweigh the positives. Still, I don't care what the results "on paper" are when evaluating a game; otherwise, I'd never have come to appreciate as many lovable flubs as I do. And if the feelings of accomplishment I enjoyed upon conquering the game had overridden all the annoyance I experienced due to the controls and the repetitiveness, I'd give YB a hearty thumbs up. Unfortunately, when I finally did reach the end of the journey, I just felt relieved that it was all over and wanted to follow the goofy bear's lead by taking a well-deserved nap.

Ghost Manor

~ GHOST MANOR ~

ICOM Simulations / TTI

HuCard

1992

I've always found it oddly amusing that the Duo got a tag team of veritable yahoos in this game and its goofball brother, Night Creatures. Sidescrolling quest games were never all that plentiful, let alone goofy horror-themed ones, yet we lucky Turbo fans were visited by the silly terror twins. But these kindred spirits differ from each other in some significant ways. As much as I love Night Creatures, I realize that, gameplay-wise, it's a calamitous botch-job. Ghost Manor, on the other hand, plays wonderfully, one of a number of reasons I consider it a fantastic adventure game.

Some of the other reasons are things that people often mention in complaints. I hear folks whine about not knowing where to go or what to do, as if the game's lack of blatant arrow signs were a devastating flaw. It's as though these players were being asked to comb some endless astral plane or something. Give me a break. GM is a quest game, not a straight-up action game, and it's not going to hold your hand through each of its hallways. Exploring every nook and cranny of the manor grounds and interior is a huge part of the fun, so if you're just looking to barrel ahead and shoot things, seek your thrills elsewhere. For the patient, there's lots of enjoyment to be had in roaming the corridors, never quite knowing what kinds of monsters, traps, and hazards await you and what sorts of secrets can be found. And man, there are plenty of secrets. You can have your character examine practically every inch of his surroundings, and you will often be rewarded for your efforts with important goodies like ammo restorers.

And that brings us to the folks who complain about the cap on ammunition. For me, said cap just adds an extra element of strategy to the adventure. You can't simply blast away; you need to figure out when it's better to use your noggin to circumvent a tricky spot than to use fire. And it's not like you're granted a small number of shots to use; you'll find yourself packing plenty of firepower (provided that you efficiently utilize the ammunition you acquire). There are lots of restorers that can be found if you do a little looking around, and you won't be a sitting duck if you happen to run out of ammo: the stage structures usually allow you ways to make progress even if you can't fire a single shot.

But then there are those who can't make progress anyway because of the "faulty controls." I'm writing this complaint off immediately because it's ridiculous. The controls are fine. I think what people really have a problem with is what they're required by the level designs to do with those controls. Platforming here can be quite tricky (and quite fun): there are plenty of slides, trampolines, ghost heads that pop up and propel you upwards, and other such things that take GM's hop-and-run gameplay beyond the usual jump-stand-jump bullshit. If you want dull platforms that slowly drift left and right, look elsewhere.

Combine all of that good stuff with some really cool (if at times repetitive) music, an interestingly animated (if bizarre) main character, and an exciting "flying skull craft vs. massive head" final confrontation, and you've got a great adventure game that the patient and the non-whiny should have plenty of fun with.

Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective Vol. II

~ SHERLOCK HOLMES VOL. II ~

ICOM Simulations / TTI

CD-ROM / Super CD-ROM

1992

The jig was up. By the time Sherlock II came out, no one was falling for the FMV gimmick anymore. Critics had caught on to the fact that a little pointing and clicking and a lot of sitting around watching grainy, goofy, poorly scripted "dramas" did not make for great gaming; and the backlash was severe. Never mind that these dopes essentially propagated such releases by heaping praise on the first Sherlock. No, the fault was with game designers for actually acquiescing and giving the buffoons more of what they'd wanted--and those designers and their products were to be slammed for it. EGM reviewer Martin Alessi was apparently the one rational, reasonable person at the time, as he gave Sherlock II the very same so-so score he'd given its predecessor. This made quite a bit of sense, as both titles are basically the same crap.

Look familiar? Yeah, the interface hasn't changed a bit. Well, windows seem to come up slightly more quickly here... or maybe I'm imagining things.

More FMV drama as Holmes and his trusty sidekick stumble around England and annoy everyone. Sadly, the mysteries here are no more interesting than the first volume's snoozers.

Mega-nerds clash as Watson flees the scene. Highlight of the saga?

Pencil-scratch illustrations return. If anything, they're even uglier this time.

The "judge parts" are presented in FMV now, which only serves to drag the scenes out. So much for the milliseconds saved by those speedier menu pop-ups.

With some old FMV games--the ones that are goofy and damn well know it--you can point and laugh and have quite a fun time whether there's much "true" gaming involved or not. But the Sherlock Holmes games, while at times humorous, really would like you to take their mysteries seriously. So they're not kitsch classics, but they weren't put together well enough to make for fascinating detective stories either. If you actually did enjoy the first episode, then go right ahead and pick this one up, as it's pretty much the same deal but with three new cases swapped in. All other aspiring inspectors should acquire the excellent J.B. Harold Murder Club instead.

Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective

~ SHERLOCK HOLMES ~

ICOM Simulations / NEC

CD-ROM

1991

Hard as it may be to believe now, seeing this mystery game in action was a mind-blowing experience for players back in the day. Not that it made anyone actually rush out to purchase the stupidly expensive Turbo CD unit, but even those who mocked the peripheral (which was pretty much everybody, including those who owned it) conceded that Holmes' full motion video had gone way beyond what they'd ever expected systems of the day to be capable of. Impressive, it was: players stared at the grainy footage in awed disbelief; reviewers showered the title with undeserved good grades. EGM editor Martin Alessi was apparently the one sane person at the time, as he gave Sherlock a so-so score of 6 while everyone else was gushing over it.

Well, a few years (and a whole lot of Sega CD flops) later, gamers realized this video stuff wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Technical limitations became all too obvious, as did the lack of fulfilling gameplay to support the "cinematics." Nowadays, Sherlock and most of its ilk are looked at as laughingstocks.

Now, I'm not one to write a game off immediately just because of generalizations regarding style. I do love It Came from the Desert, after all. Sadly, even upon being given a "fair shot," Consulting Detective proves itself to be a dud.

Understand that I expect point-and-click mechanics from such a title, but I do prefer that the gameplay not feel slow and laborious. Sherlock's system isn't built for swiftness, and events unfold at a very unexciting pace.

I actually think the FMV is pretty decent, though I wish the shows occupied the entire screen like Desert's do.

Occasionally, one video will lead right into another, at which time one of these "dramatic transition" scenes is employed.

Sketched images are often utilized to portray flashbacks and recreate crimes.

Rethink your approach if you run into a dead end.

Once you've garnered enough evidence, head to court and answer some questions. If you happened to doze off during the videos, don't worry: just keep taking guesses until the judge is satisfied with the "case" you're making.

When Sherlock was brand new, critics often said "the" problem with the game is that it offers only three mysteries to solve. Well, that's ridiculous. J.B. Harold Murder Club provides us sleuths with just one case to crack, yet I (among many other players) have returned to it over and over again. See, Murder Club features an incredible plot and very cool characters (not to mention a superior interface and some sweet jazz music). Sherlock's mysteries are uninteresting, poorly written, and shabbily put together (and all three of them combined don't take as much time to solve as J.B.'s single case). In the end, Consulting Detective doesn't fail because of its outdated FMV or low case total. It fails because it's a slow, boring game.