The Measure of a Turbo Badass

Typically stereotyped as unwashed misfits and greasy-haired castoffs, video-game players nonetheless fancy themselves the boldest of blokes when putting a blade to a notorious boss or venturing through a famously difficult area. It's no surprise, then, when a victorious adventurer pumps his fists in joy or emits expletives denoting utter, hard-earned triumph. While it's debatable how much real-world applicability lies in the brands of skill, perseverance, and problem-solving ability required to slay a Gleeok or smash a Goomba, there certainly is some element of each of the aforementioned traits on display when a game-based challenge is overcome. There's no need to mythologize the feats of gaming nerds, but there's nothing wrong with these "heroes" giving themselves a small pat on the back for overcoming daunting odds in breaking through pixelated obstacles.

Of course, there's only so much satisfaction to be had in gloating over the crushed corpse of a Ganondorf. Conquerors seeking accolades find that their tidings of accomplishments are received quite warmly on the internet, the figurative kingdom for a noble knight of gaming. And when assemblages of glory-seeking geeks exchange ledgers of their achievements, feelings of competitiveness and compulsions to one-up one another develop covertly beneath the obligatory "Congratulations" messages. Contests are inevitabilities in such environments, with the participants as fired up for score swapping as they would be for any anticipated real-life event.

A stoked nerd prepares to annihilate his competition in a Spriggan high-score contest.

Indeed, emerging from a forum showdown with a blue ribbon to flaunt becomes such a priority for proud game-war battlers that they frequently resort to dishonest means in the name of achieving notoriety. Ignorant or dismissive of the sad element of irony that accompanies their actions, our fire-in-their-eyes heroes don't hesitate to save-state their way to a deceptively high number of clears. They devote more time to studying tactic-revealing videos than they do to sussing out enemy patterns on their own, with top-tier scores to show for their "efforts."

Well, these gaming Mark McGwires can have their asterisk-saddled records. Those looking to take a virtuous path to game-dweeb glory can accept the challenge laid out here by the biggest Turbo nerds of all: The Brothers Duomazov. Make legitimate runs through the games enumerated in this altogether goofy (but valid and substantive) piece and your accomplishments will have trumped what even the most devious save-state abuser and Youtube surfer can boast about. Your bronze bust will have its place in the halls built in tribute to the greatest PC Engine-playing badasses.

I suppose we shouldn't present a list of trials without first explaining how said list was conceived. Let's establish at once that consensus as to what merits a praiseworthy accomplishment means little to us. Any warrior worth his game pad will tell you that Exile: Wicked Phenomenon can be completed by an utter clod provided that said clod is capable of being patient and putting in the slightest bit of thought for the sake of outwitting dopey enemies (regardless of how many hits those plodding enemies can withstand). And this list is not simply some "toughest games" compendium. It's hard to get through 250 rounds of BoxyBoy, but there isn't much virility involved in examining a bunch of grids for the purpose of placing squares atop dots. True warriors know how to prioritize, know that in some endeavors lies greater glory than in others. We must keep in mind that accepting and even overcoming a challenge does not a badass make.

Only one of these gun wielders is truly a badass.

In case the above visual demonstration fails to make our parameters clear, I'll now spell them out in the most overt way. Conquer the games we list and you will have displayed the following qualities that any true badass must be in possession of:

~ DETERMINATION ~

No matter the length of your résumé indicating previous achievements, some tasks will require of you that one thing feared by pseudo warriors everywhere: practice.

~ FORTITUDE ~

Bona fide gaming champions can't simply pick and choose the challenges they accept. Sometimes, enduring unimaginable pain is necessary for them to prove their true mettle.

~ INTELLIGENCE ~

Warriors of legend didn't simply maim and murder. They were sharp enough to discern the correct path to travel, clever enough to perceive the light of a solution in the most opaque conundrum.

~ GUTS ~

Difficult stages and enemies tend to get inside players' heads after dealing them a few heavy thrashings. Those who don't wilt in the face of the seemingly unvanquishable are those who stand a real chance at achieving greatness.

~ TALENT ~

Brains, heart, persistence... yes, those are all wonderful things. But there's nothing that can replace innate skill. And there are few things that can beat refined skill.

And now to present the twelve games that stand between the standard sour-faced, poor-postured nerd and Turbo immortality. Slaughter the dozen and you will have displayed an incredible blend of the virtues cited above, hence proving yourself worthy of PCE avatarhood.

~ SINISTRON / VIOLENT SOLDIER ~

You'll make it past the halfway point and believe that victory is at hand. Then a savage storm of asteroids will obliterate you. VS's merciless take on the final level allows for not a single instance of lost focus.

~ RAYXANBER II ~

Quips voiced by legions of incompetent players account for Ray 2's reputation for being unbeatable--and those brutes haven't even made it to the game's greatest stretches of horror: the web world of the fourth round and the narrow corridors of the sixth.

~ THE LEGEND OF XANADU ~

Simply overcoming the language barrier can prove too daunting a task for adventurers unable to read Japanese. Fiddle your way through overworld fetch quests to access surprisingly difficult sidescrolling strips. It'll be your wits, not your blade-wielding skill, that you'll need to rely on in the fiendish (and famously enormous) final tower.

~ ASTRALIUS ~

As horribly painful an experience as you are ever likely to endure. A flutist-led covey of inept weaklings and mollycoddles contends with bands of brutal adversaries while you yourself cope with unforgivable design flaws.

~ LAST ARMAGEDDON ~

There are ways to break the game and render the initially formidable enemy forces hapless and helpless. But chicanery won't get you through the billion-hall dungeons or enable you to locate obscured event points.

~ MIGHT AND MAGIC III ~

The sheer size of M&M3's world and the depth of its play system will annihilate the aspirations of faux warriors before they even have the chance to engage the unfathomably powerful beasts who reside in the trap-laden labyrinths.

~ ALTERED BEAST ~

Those raised on the leniency of the Genesis rendition are in for a horrifying surprise with the unforgiving, thought-demanding HuCard version. A trip through the CD take--that of the castrated bosses--does not suffice for the attainment of badassery.

~ SHAPE SHIFTER ~

The crybaby killer. Great rewards and an incredibly tough final boss (who crushed even the designers who created him) await those willing to wipe away the tears and put in a little practice.

~ NEXZR ~

Approach this no-nonsense shooter impetuously and you'll be stomped on at once. Figure out when to depend on your reflexes and when to utilize stratagems, and then hope that the schemes you've come up with suffice.

~ SUPER RAIDEN ~

The final strip of this ten-level marathon is patrolled by villains who harbor no pity for those who make a single misstep. One lapse is all it takes for a player to find himself with no other option but to begin the long journey anew.

~ TATSUJIN ~

Mini-boss bands fire projectiles that surge through space at ridiculous speeds. There's practically no time for you to react to the attacks, let alone counter them effectively.

There you go: the twelve games that constitute the most intense test imaginable of a Turbo player's staunchness. (And no, our count is not off: Sinistron and Violent Soldier are considered separate trials due to certain differences between the two.)

Now to coronate the true badasses and do away with the pretenders. Count up the number of cited games you've cleared, and proceed to find out your standing within Turbo-badass hierarchy.

~ SISSY ~

0 games completed

The Mousse rating means you'd best stick with the "charm," flutes, and lollipops of harmless SNES titles. You can't cut it in the realm of the PC Engine.

~ POTENTIAL BADASS ~

1-3 games completed

The Ranma rating means you may have crashed your way through a shooter or followed a walkthrough to the end of an adventure, but you've still got some work to do before earning respect from the elite.

~ DEVELOPING BADASS ~

4-6 games completed

The Janne rating means you've made progress worthy of commendation. Your ability seems obvious, but it's not yet clear if you possess but a specialized brand of talent or if you can overcome a variety of the Turbo's greatest challenges.

~ POWERFUL BADASS ~

7-9 games completed

The Higgins rating means you've established yourself as a force to be reckoned with. You're on the cusp of keeping company with the most mythical of Turbo warriors.

~ MEGA BADASS ~

10-11 games completed
The Guy Kazama rating means you are a true legend in TurboGrafx circles and one of the mightiest heroes ever to have torn through a video adventure.

~ ULTIMATE DUOMAZOV-LEVEL BADASS ~

All 12 games completed

The Lee Pappas rating means that you are worthy of Turbo deification. Even the most famous of all Turbo champions, the Brothers Duomazov, would accept you as their comrade in game-nerd battle.

The only players known to have achieved Duomazov-level badassness are, well, the Duomazovs themselves. For those who aspire to reach an unreachable level of excellence, your quest now lies before you. It's time to discover exactly what you're made of... but, you know, don't forget to have fun and not drive yourself crazy while trying to conquer games that are nearly unconquerable. Otherwise, you might end up like this guy:

And that wouldn't be a good thing.

Summer Carnival '93: Nexzr Special

~ NEXZR SPECIAL ~

Naxat Soft / Inter State/Kaneko

Super CD-ROM

1993

As much as I enjoy Nexzr, I wasn't sure that I'd find Special's exclusive timed modes particularly worthwhile. I'm usually not a big fan of caravan mini-strips, as the whole "blast up tiles and collect orbs" concept doesn't thrill me, and I don't have the patience to muck around and stumble upon tricks necessary for earning super-high scores. Thankfully, Special's special modes don't ask you to do much tile obliterating. For the most part, you can concentrate on free-for-all blasting, setting the heavens aglow with flashy explosions as you proceed.

The large cruisers and wily missile-launching mecha featured in the main game show up to assail you in the timed events, as do a couple of new boss-type opponents. Nothing about the score-centric action is challenging, but it's extremely fast paced and quite enjoyable.

And it makes for the perfect complement to the main game. Nexzr isn't as difficult as, say, Sinistron or Rayxanber II, but it's a tactical shooter that you can't simply blunder your way through, and if you're new to it or haven't played it in a while, progress will likely come piecemeal. So after a wonderfully taxing sit-down with the core game, it's nice to be able to switch over to the anything-goes caravan strip (but indeed, I'm always happy to revisit the main game and find that it lives up to the high billing I afford it).

The unavoidable question is, Which one makes for the most sensible acquisition, "regular" Nexzr or Special? Well, if I could own only one, I'd probably pick the original, as its cinemas strike hard. But I must admit that Special has higher replay value thanks to its well-executed carnival modes, not to mention that it's usually a little cheaper. In a perfect world, we'd have the caravan material and the cinemas all on one disc. As it is, a loony fan like me would suggest acquiring both versions. But either way you go, you're sure to be getting one of the best shooters that the PCE has to offer.

Nexzr

~ NEXZR ~

Naxat Soft / Inter State/Kaneko

Super CD-ROM

1992

Nexzr is a no-nonsense novice stomper, an excellent but demanding shooter that requires good reflexes along with a good bit of scheming. Its challenges are always fair, but be warned that it employs a checkpoint system of resuming play after death, and it doesn't hesitate to hurl you back quite a ways should the enemy forces manage to annihilate you. It actually is magnanimous in some respects: available for you to acquire are myriad brands of effective auxiliary armament, including killer drones that relentlessly pursue and blast up your opposition and energy beams that home in on and tear through adversarial craft.

A good memory helps as much as a good laser cannon, but while Nexzr can indeed be viewed as a "thinking man's shooter," don't believe for even a second that it's an R-Type-like plodder. There's plenty of bullet evasion to be performed while you're trying to recall which enemies will show up where, and some intense stretches focus solely on pure shoot-and-weave action, the most notable of which has you flank an enormous battleship while fending off shield-bearing sentry-bots.

End-of-stage duels pit you against mechanical gladiators as memorable as any other 16-bit-shooter bosses. Particularly impressive is a speedy contraption that litters your path with mines as you chase it down a corridor and then halts to don armor and assail you with laser beams and scythe-like projectiles.

Interestingly, the mini-bosses that halt your advancement and initiate mid-level showdowns are tougher than their enormous commanders, as they craftily find ways to limit the space in which you can maneuver.

But Nexzr's finest featured battle is its final featured battle, a true man-to-man slugfest as opposed to a typical "obliterate a wall/cannon/spaceship" sort of exercise.

My one complaint about the game is that every stage except the sixth employs an outer-space canvas.

(And the sixth is a decent-looking but somewhat typical "base.")

If you hold your fire while navigating Stage 6's claustrophobic stretch of corridors, the tiny bug-like machines will kindly leave you be. Good luck getting your drones and your other foes to adhere to the ceasefire.

Some variety in the backdrops definitely would've been welcome. The outstanding soundtrack, on the other hand, offers a great deal of variety, applying touches of hard rock to an upbeat and exciting score. It comes off as a melding of T's-style instrumentation and Falcom-brand melodies, featuring an irresistible hook in Stage 3, a dark dirge in Stage 4, and a nostalgia-inducing lead in Stage 6.

The cinemas also strike a nostalgic chord with me: I can't help but think of Robotech: The New Generation while witnessing Nexzr's tragic opening sequence and "Bernard vs. Corg"-like final engagement.

I acquired Nexzr a number of years ago and played through it at once. I quite enjoyed the experience and continued singing the game's praises as the months and years passed; and upon meditating on the matter, I concluded that it's my favorite PCE CD vertical shooter.

Might and Magic III: Isles of Terra

~ MIGHT AND MAGIC III ~
Hudson Soft / New World Computing
Super CD-ROM
1993

Might and Magic III is no dawdler or word mincer. It immediately grants you notice that it'll be giving you a difficult time: the city in which you begin your quest is not inhabited by harmless, bumbling townsfolk but by vicious sludge beasts and rat monsters. You'll hack your way beyond the village walls only to find yourself choosing between destinations where you'll be as unwelcome as you were in the vermin pit you just exited. From scheming kings to self-serving mercenaries, even the non-bestial denizens of Terra want nothing to do with you, save for the instances when you can aid them in their own pursuits of wealth and power. Feelings of loneliness and isolation are sure to set in when you play M&M3. It's a good thing, then, that the adventure is so rewarding that the player inevitably ends up just fine with experiencing those feelings.

Before you can reap any rewards, however, you'll have to come to terms with the enormity of the task you're given here. The islands of Terra constitute a realm that's both gigantic and extremely mysterious. You're granted the freedom to explore said realm in any way that your strength and wit will allow you; there is no predetermined sequence of events that the game holds your hand through. There are so many missions to undertake, labyrinths to delve into, riddles to solve, and creatures to slay that some players will conclude almost at once that the challenge of M&M3 is daunting and overwhelming to the extent that the game is nigh inaccessible. That these players will miss out on the intense encounters and fascinating surprises that come with accepting said challenge is truly a shame.

But I can understand why some might find the game to be utterly perplexing. Options are aplenty even before one embarks on one's quest, as simply determining the covey of characters who'll make up the featured fellowship demands study of the strengths and weaknesses of various classes and races. A solid group of pre-set would-be world savers is available for those unwilling to head-scratch their way through notes on proficiencies, but know now that taking the time to make sound early decisions can pay dividends in matters of convenience down the road.

Whatever the complexion of the party you put together, outfitting your selected warriors is sure to prove enjoyable. There are dozens upon dozens of items that can be purchased or discovered throughout the lands of Terra. Though continually having to bring up and wade through equipment-management menus can prove irritating, there's a great deal of fun to be had swapping weapons and trinkets amongst the heroes and developing a band of fearsome monster slayers. The wide variety of enchanted articles that can be acquired via thorough exploration makes each foray into a treasure-stocked dungeon seem like a worthwhile endeavor.

Registers of obtainable skills and spells match the equipment list in length. Nothing is simply handed over to you, however. Accept the challenge issued by warrior-eradicating villains to earn membership to guilds that sell spell scrolls. Pay to be mentored in the ways of the arts by those who are most proficient in them. Avoid melee scrums with titans capable of obliterating your hard-earned weaponry. And don't forget that your own soldiers are hardly emotionless; they themselves can succumb to heartbreak. Even leveling up, a typically simple matter, calls for trips to village training grounds.

Bear in mind that these affairs are all peripheral. Dungeons comprise the true meat of the adventure, the heart and soul of the game itself. Terra's dreaded labyrinths are horrible places that frequently present you with abstract riddles to solve and dire choices to make.

But it's the incredibly powerful creatures that inhabit these places that make even M&M veterans quiver and proceed with great trepidation. The dark, dank corridors are ruled by cyclopes, liches, minotaurs, and other frightful, nearly indomitable monstrosities.

You'll be ripped to shreds in some fights, but combat will remain interesting and exciting no matter how many beatings you endure. Your party can spot approaching creatures from a distance and launch missile and magical attacks as soon as a threat is detected. Of course, their opponents can respond in kind.

This element of chasmal war-waging adds to the intensity of certain encounters. At times, you'll find yourself desperately hurling everything you've got at a hard-charging beast in the hopes that you can eliminate the mighty abomination before it reaches you.

Count on the abomination being animated and well drawn, and count on being treated to detailed, appealing visuals throughout every stage of your quest. The music, with its powerful, throbbing drums, is also excellent.

Enjoy the aesthetics. Bask in the glory that comes with achieving notoriety for jobs well done, with killing creatures thought to be unbeatable. Nothing comes easily in this kingdom. Overcome all obstacles and you'll truly be deserving of the title of Champion that the game bestows upon you.